I was just reading someone's blog later this day. Well, at least I wasn't rudely ignore. But, that's not the point right now. The point is... to have this blog put across some distance. At least a short distance to someone out there that I want reading this.
Let's get this show to the road, shall we?
First, I would like to state my side. I never had much fun in high school. The only 'fun' I had was within my circle of 'friends' in my seniors. Even if it was lackadaisical, i didn't regret having them as my friends. I didn't regret meeting them, not at all, since I have learned from my past. I learned so much about how to live on.
I admit that I was an idiot back then. Well, maybe my immature mind was at work there. I wuold like to apologize to the people I've interacted to, because I can't even forgive myself for showing my presence to you guys. It hurts more to me than it hurts you. I was living with a uncontrolable emotion, and it took me until college to realize that. Now I'm able to recognize my mood swings as another personality, since I could barely recall what I've done in those moods. When I'm angry, I could barely recall what made me angry. When I'm sad, however, it reaches the depths of my mind, causing myself to lose any real contact with people [being distant to some people I don't want to get hurt], still, the only munscian that was always with me, Zilin, knew what pain I was going through.
I would like to say sorry to someone because I was such an idiot to him. I really loved the times we would argue and debate. I felt so alive. Even if I once told the entire class [you, being there] that I hated it, I realized that I liked it. It was what gave me the reason to push further into myself, digging up more of my talents and my abilities, hence my passion to do things. I kept you in mind, and swore one day that you would be able to recognize me as an 'equal', opponent or friend.
But I would like to say my sad story. I liked the whole cat and mouse thing that I took it by heart. I was so hurt when college started. I even backed out from PNU just so that I could prove myself. But, all went wrong. You became 'arrogant and antisocial' as my friends see from you. Well, I just simply shrug it of and say, 'well, he's not that bad once you get to know him. He was kind." I placed emphasis on the word 'was' because I don't really know if you were still that kind classmate I knew. Oh well, there's your friends and there's mine... and there's no 'us' in between. There is none, right?
I wasn't really hoping, because I know it's not possible to go through the same path again. So, I'll keep on living through the pain you would give me, until we part ways. Before that happens, I would like to tell you truths. 1) I never was trully angry at you. I don't know why. 2) You were the biggest reason I write and study seriously. 3) I've never been treated so cold by someone who treated me so kind before. 4) I was damned hurt because I was trying my best to go out of your way. 5) I tried my best to outrun you in every subject in college. I don't think I succeeded in that, but whatever. I want to do it. 6) I only have a few people in UP [that are munscians] that I could talk to, Ovid, you and Zilin, but I could only talk to Zilin since I see him everyday. Now you must have an idea on how 'dull' it is to speak with the same person every single day. Unexpectedly, I wasn't really bored. He gives nice suggestions. He's such a good friend, and I never thought we would be good friends. He learned to tolerate my mood swings, I learned to tolerate his naughtiness.
When I was elementary, there was no one I could call a friend, since no one had been nice to me. I haven't done anything wrong. I was a good student, I study, I am polite, but I never played. Must be the lack of childhood. Remember when I said that I was never allowed to go out when I was a kid? That's the reason I wasn't able to have a 'pleasant' childhood experience. Every year in elementary, I would transfer school. Until I landed on grade 4, where I graduated at the same school. BUt, the sad thing is, at the graduation, the friends I had for 3 years there betrayed me right there and there. It was a sad graduation, really.
But it was incomparable to highschool.
Even in that short, hell-ish years, I gave trust, even if the price to pay was pain. Not some ordinary pain, but emotional pain. I still wonder if I'm still emotionally strong, since I was still alive and sane after all that hell. But one person gave me pain beyond others, you. Well, all that ignorance and cold shoulders you gave me in college was beyond pain. I don't know why, but it reall was painful. I had only 3 people to talk to. One was barely there, ONe was always there, and one was my classmate who was giving me a cold shoulder. So, I had no choice but to go with the second choice. Anyway, he was nice to converse with.
Now, as I try my best for this to reach you, I would like to say sorry for being an idiot. I could only be worthy of your punishments, and I'll be waiting for it. I'll try to live through it, again. Let it be my cruel paradise of anguish and pain. Chastise me with words of hate until there is none to say. I will listen, I will not talk back. Just as long as you want to kill me, I'll be happy to die.
Good night.
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