Sadness. It wonders me on how this simple word possess such a strong impact on one's life. No matter how it forms, it still gets through a lot of barriers and digs itself deep down inside the human flesh, down to the inner core of your soul.
It amazes me more as to how this feeble word weigh so heavy... destroy the very sane, and render you weak emotionally.
It took me a long time to realize my feelings for a certain fella. I never payed much attention to it at first, but at each passing day, the feelings go stronger and stronger, until I can't bear it anymore. I had to do something.
And so I did.
I gathered up my strength to finish what I needed to finished a long time ago. I picked up my YM and looked for a certain someone. Good thing that fella's online. And so, I had a little talk. I was in a public place and I was crying. Pathetic, right? I don't care.
Finally, it's done. The fella offered friendship. Of course, he can't offer something as strong as a commitment, since I know it's not possible, right? I am willing to accept the friendship, but of course, it hurts more, right? Being friends with someone you love and trying hard to supress the feelings that is slowly killing you by the minute.
And that's why I left. I don't want to feel more pain. I'm locking myself up, and I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I will leave, dwell in my own solitude...
If I would dwell in my own blood, let it be. I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. I loved to much, and it's all a waste. I knew I was destined to lie a life full of pain, misery, solitude and anguish, yet I persisted on going against it. It was just not meant to be... and so, living a life of happiness is just not meant to be for me.
I ask forgiveness for this short entry, since I can't contain my tears any longer. My heart aches, both literally and figuratively. I do not mind if everyone's reading this, since I doubt you would understand. I left because I can't pretend to be okay anymore. I can't fake a smile anymore. I can't be so happy anymore... because I'm not broken and hurt... unloved and left alone...
Caged Bird
I'll be direct to the point. I was crying last night. Of course, this might seem not a news to you, but everyone does cry for their own reasons. For me, I was crying for a lot of reasons that can be summed up into two words - caged bird. Yes, I was crying because I felt like a caged bird, unable to spread its wings to fly freely in the sky. Why? This cage that locks me from the worlds haven't been opened since I can't remember when. I can only see the otside through these glass windows, but I am unable to experience them. Joy.
Sad, isn't it? For the past 17 years of my life I have been a bird in a cage. Always deprived of what you want, and unable to decide what's good for you. I know parents knows best, but they should be supporting you, not bringing you down. I mean, I've always wanted to be a comsci student, and they say it's stupid or something that goes by that word, but i still took it because I want it. I've always been a writer, yet they cannot support me when I'm writting. Another reason why suddenly stopped writing is bcause they want me to stop. Pitiful, really, but infuriating nonetheless. I mean, you want to be something you are good at and the ones you expect to support you are bringing you down. How awful is that?
Another thing that made me sad is the fact that I am encasd in my own solitude. I mean, no one [emphasis on 'no one'] had attempted to touch me or hug me. I don't wish to be hugged casually, more like lovingly. Yeah, you heard me right. The sole reason I'm sad is because I want a person's company, someone's company. In case you haven't noticed the previous entry, I'm talking about my 'old friend'. I'm not looking for a love in return, nor a bed scene; I'm looking for, at least, symphatetic kindness.
I can feel that my love isn't wanted, so what can I do? Should I continue to feel those feelings or should I lock them away completely? Only time can tell... But I hope it's not too late for it.
Why can't I be someone I really am? Why do they force me to do things I do not want to do? Is it because it is 'right' in their sense? What about what is 'right' in my sense? I believe that you shouldn't tell others what they need to do in their own lofe. I believe you shouldn't meddle with one's decisions. I believe you shouldn't hate them for what they decided just because their decision is what you despise. It's the decision you despise, not the person. I believe that people who change their relation to a person who just made a choice in his/her own life is stupid. I mean, let's take and example. We have two men here, the two of them are best friends. Let's call one Ken and the other Mikhail. Mikhail has a little sister, named Alice. Alice has an obvious crush [read: obsession] with Ken. Of course, Mikhail calls it love. Ken, on the other hand, does not love Alice [who would be?] but decides to play along because he doesn't want the break the little girl's heart since she's his friend too. Now Mikhail asks Ken directly about marriage, which ticked Ken [obviously], but being the nice guy that he is, he politely declined. Mikhail is ticked off, asking for a reason. Ken just replied that he likes Alice only as a little sister, not as a lover. Mikhail is more ticked off because of what his friend said, and so he breaks the bonds and is now Ken's enemy. Sad, ne? It ticked Ken more, quoting a good quote: "Is it not you who begged me to tell you my problems? Is it not you who asked me to be your friend? Is it not you who wants me to trust you? Well, I did. Now, you want to decide for my future? That's too much. You are only my best friend, not my God. I am allowed to love whomsoever I want and even my best friend or anyone has no right to tell me what to accept or not. I accepted you because you wanted it. Now that I declined your sister, you want it all back? You are not my best friend anymore because of that petty reason? Because I broke your sister's heart? Have you not considered that I am not a puppet for your little sister? I'm also human, equipped with feelings and a mind of its own, and I believe that I am capable of deciding for my self, so if you can't accept my decision, go away." That was beautiful.
But, later that night, I asked for help from someone. I was still crying, yes, but i tried my best to hold back some tears. I told him that I'm down and depressed, stating some points already pointed out on the previous paragraphs. He replied, telling me that he's by my side, protecting me. I smiled. At least I know there's a knight by my side who would catch me if I fall, and I"m willing to do the same. At that point, yes, I was really happy. SOmeone fropped by and offered me a warm smile. Thank you, my knight. Thank you for being there beside me, protecting me with your divine grace.
As soon as I'm able to go out of this cage, I"ll roam free and go experience things that I didn't had. Remember, I was deprived of childhood, and now I'm being deprived of my entire life, so I want to be free. Help me, please?
Sad, isn't it? For the past 17 years of my life I have been a bird in a cage. Always deprived of what you want, and unable to decide what's good for you. I know parents knows best, but they should be supporting you, not bringing you down. I mean, I've always wanted to be a comsci student, and they say it's stupid or something that goes by that word, but i still took it because I want it. I've always been a writer, yet they cannot support me when I'm writting. Another reason why suddenly stopped writing is bcause they want me to stop. Pitiful, really, but infuriating nonetheless. I mean, you want to be something you are good at and the ones you expect to support you are bringing you down. How awful is that?
Another thing that made me sad is the fact that I am encasd in my own solitude. I mean, no one [emphasis on 'no one'] had attempted to touch me or hug me. I don't wish to be hugged casually, more like lovingly. Yeah, you heard me right. The sole reason I'm sad is because I want a person's company, someone's company. In case you haven't noticed the previous entry, I'm talking about my 'old friend'. I'm not looking for a love in return, nor a bed scene; I'm looking for, at least, symphatetic kindness.
I can feel that my love isn't wanted, so what can I do? Should I continue to feel those feelings or should I lock them away completely? Only time can tell... But I hope it's not too late for it.
Why can't I be someone I really am? Why do they force me to do things I do not want to do? Is it because it is 'right' in their sense? What about what is 'right' in my sense? I believe that you shouldn't tell others what they need to do in their own lofe. I believe you shouldn't meddle with one's decisions. I believe you shouldn't hate them for what they decided just because their decision is what you despise. It's the decision you despise, not the person. I believe that people who change their relation to a person who just made a choice in his/her own life is stupid. I mean, let's take and example. We have two men here, the two of them are best friends. Let's call one Ken and the other Mikhail. Mikhail has a little sister, named Alice. Alice has an obvious crush [read: obsession] with Ken. Of course, Mikhail calls it love. Ken, on the other hand, does not love Alice [who would be?] but decides to play along because he doesn't want the break the little girl's heart since she's his friend too. Now Mikhail asks Ken directly about marriage, which ticked Ken [obviously], but being the nice guy that he is, he politely declined. Mikhail is ticked off, asking for a reason. Ken just replied that he likes Alice only as a little sister, not as a lover. Mikhail is more ticked off because of what his friend said, and so he breaks the bonds and is now Ken's enemy. Sad, ne? It ticked Ken more, quoting a good quote: "Is it not you who begged me to tell you my problems? Is it not you who asked me to be your friend? Is it not you who wants me to trust you? Well, I did. Now, you want to decide for my future? That's too much. You are only my best friend, not my God. I am allowed to love whomsoever I want and even my best friend or anyone has no right to tell me what to accept or not. I accepted you because you wanted it. Now that I declined your sister, you want it all back? You are not my best friend anymore because of that petty reason? Because I broke your sister's heart? Have you not considered that I am not a puppet for your little sister? I'm also human, equipped with feelings and a mind of its own, and I believe that I am capable of deciding for my self, so if you can't accept my decision, go away." That was beautiful.
But, later that night, I asked for help from someone. I was still crying, yes, but i tried my best to hold back some tears. I told him that I'm down and depressed, stating some points already pointed out on the previous paragraphs. He replied, telling me that he's by my side, protecting me. I smiled. At least I know there's a knight by my side who would catch me if I fall, and I"m willing to do the same. At that point, yes, I was really happy. SOmeone fropped by and offered me a warm smile. Thank you, my knight. Thank you for being there beside me, protecting me with your divine grace.
As soon as I'm able to go out of this cage, I"ll roam free and go experience things that I didn't had. Remember, I was deprived of childhood, and now I'm being deprived of my entire life, so I want to be free. Help me, please?
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About Me
- Sai Hikawa
- Hi, I'm Sai. Welcome to my blog. This blog contains all codings I've done over the course of my college life. >.< All of them are copyrighted, so please DO NOT OWN!