Burried Deep Within

Yeah, nabaon na sa limot.

Sigh.

It's been so long since I touched my multiply account. Musta n kaya siya, no? Wla lng akong masabing matino... hay.

Bottom line, I will be and still be very busy and tired, and might not be able to maintain my multiply account for a while. :D

I'm a Hierophant?

You are The Hierophant

Divine Wisdom. Manifestation. Explanation. Teaching.

All things relating to education, patience, help from superiors.The Hierophant is often considered to be a Guardian Angel.

The Hierophant's purpose is to bring the spiritual down to Earth. Where the High Priestess between her two pillars deals with realms beyond this Earth, the Hierophant (or High Priest) deals with worldly problems. He is well suited to do this because he strives to create harmony and peace in the midst of a crisis. The Hierophant's only problem is that he can be stubborn and hidebound. At his best, he is wise and soothing, at his worst, he is an unbending traditionalist.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

On a more serious note, the Hierophant is a symbol of moral law and convictions. He is also a welcomed advisor and spiritual guide. Positively associated with advice, wise counsel, spiritual consolation, knowledge, identification, faith, conformity, and traditions. Negatively associated with misinformation, lack of faith, deviousness, bad advice, confusion, and disorderly conduct.

Hierophant daw? Commonly, those who are of the Hierophant card are... most burdened with emotional problems. Well, ganun talaga.

What the FUCK was I thinking?

As the title suggests, what the fuck was I thinking?! I was typing my ass-made dream off into a blog, and to top that, even added the greatest jerk ever as a reader! Damn. I know I'm supposed to be strong and all, but damn. I'm already near breaking point.

And I allowed only a few friends to be able to read said rant. Damn! I need to get wasted... and laid. Getting wasted is top priority right now. Once I'm at the dorm again, I'm going to drink my ass off, cry about everything else, then ask my room mate to ease my suffering. And no, I'm not going to ask them to get me laid. Not even close. I'd just give them lots of weapons to choose from.

Sigh.

It's not helping. I couldn't even ask councelling from my room mates, for the following reasons:

1. I'm shy with asking help, especially when it comes to my own issues.

2. I don't want them to worry much.

3. I want them to enjoy the summer without them worrying about me.

4. I have no means of contact.

I lean towards reason #4. I mean, I had my phone dead for, like, 5 days straight. I couldn't even touch the charger! Damn. I couldn't even go online because the house needs me to do their every beck and call.

In short, I am deprived of rest. And alcohol. Definitely that.

And to those reading this, I need emotional support. Preferably personally delivered. I've been (semi)crying my eyes out this morning, and tonight won't be any better. My entire mind (neglect the biological processess, breathing and the likes) was clouded with thoughts like that! In short, I've been rendered retarded!

Damn.

Back to the title, What the FUCK was I thinking. That might bear repeating... WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING! I shouldn't have invited him to read that fucking entry!

Well, as if he's going to read it anyway. If he does read it, it's up to his close-minded, egoistic, bastardic, annoying persona to think of some out of this world thought.

And, if I might guess right, he would probably laugh his ass off, saying that I'm really, really dying of his attention. Which is, as you might've guessed, not true. Yes, it's not true. I have a life, kids. I don't breathe thoughts about him. I don't live by thinking of him. NEVER did he be a big part of my thoughts any day. Although it was my room mates whom I discuss the issues (and I was not always the one who initializes said discussion. Only a few times... Honestly!), I only partake because they [my room mates] annoy the hell out of my with accusations and such. And no, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Actually, it was quite fun, despite me being annoyed and pissed every now and then, but I guess they would say that it's quite normal for me to feel pissed and annoyed every now and then. They never did see me very angry (although on two popular occassions did they see me extremely agitated, and I think they're laughing their asses off because of what I write when I am angry), and hopefully they never will. I'm not exactly the nicest, if ever the most evil, person when angry. At least I minimally resort to dry humor.

I'm just rambling. Damn. Well, anyway, at least to those who are willing to share my sentiments, and would most likely to attend my funeral when social condemnation day comes, please send my regards. I really, really need your emotional support. In short, I need help. Serious help.

Realizations... or lack thereof

How can one really say that they're in love? What determines it? Is it when you now know that you are already missing something in your life, and that a person's existence will most probably complete it? When you know that person, the same one you know would complete your life, does that mean you're bound to fall in love with that person? Would you still consider it love if said person left and not return? Would you still claim that you love that person even if that person left you and ridiculed you, but you still miss that person nonetheless? Did you ever feel that you are so angry at that person that you'd wish them dead, tied on some tree with birds eating his mutilated body, yet you'd cry all night about it? For some, they might call it love, others, a simple delusion. I think like the former. When one cannot live without the existence of the other person, I call it love.

It has happened to me before, and I might be unaware of it happening now. BUt, nonetheless, it happened. I lost a person, a friend if you may, during my high school days. That person is still living, mind you, but in here, in my memory, that person no longer exists. He's just another fickle in my memory.

That aside, he, that lost friend, was what would ou call a 'rival' of some sort. We don't really get close to acads, but I still fight with him with answers. It was fun, those days. I admit, though, that I was immature (contrary to some bitches back then's delusion of me being retarded or autistic. Never in my life I've been diagnosed of them. Blame it for my lack of proper childhood), and that I am yet to develop people skills (again, please blame them to my lack of childhood). Nonetheless, it is, if it may, not a good reason to leave me behind.

I didn't even like him back then. I just had a serious lapse of 'I miss you' back when I was a college freshman. I knew back then that I wanted to see him because I've seen my other classmates except him. And a discrete refusal was what I got from him.

A few years later, still I did not erase the fact that I might be just missing the old times. However, it is not simply so, as said in my readings. I am, as bluntly put, 'In Love' with him. Ha! I couldn't imagine myself with a guy, much less than a stuck-up prick.

It's a good time to point out now that I was never gay. Sure, I'm effeminate (something I should blame on my genes), soft (a method I use so that I don't feel rude when speaking or anything related to human interaction), and blunt. Let me clarify that I only once fallen for only 1 male, and never another. That hardly counts for anything, correct?

Wrong.

Let me also clarify that I do not, as bluntly put, give a damn or a shit whether the person I love has boobs or not, or has tacos instead of hotdogs. I just don't give a damn. I mean, for what purpose does one love? I love a person because I want to give them my devotion. Nothing about that says I should love a woman or a man, if not both. I wasn't restricted. Even if the church or any religious person say that it is normal for men to love only women, according to the bible. Let me ask, who wrote the bible? Humans. For how long has the bible been written down? I don't really know, but I can guess it's some millenia ago. I can bet that those people who wrote the bible back then changed the meanings according to their understanding and beliefs. I don't really believe the bible (though I still believe parts of it), and I don't really care about the priests (because they are all condemned by their own beleifs. Hello? God loves all except homos? Where did that come from?) because they (at least some of them) are using religion as an excuse to condemn people because they don't like them.

Take the government for example. They partake in the decision of the government, but the government cannot partake in the decision of the religious sect of the country. How absurd. If I was president I'd give them a piece of my mind, saying that: "I don't give a damn about your corrupt sect. You guys are made up of people who use religion as an excuse to brainwash people thinking that the bible is the basic instruction before leaving earth, and that all those who do not follow are to be condemned to hell. What gives you the right who and who not to condemn to any insane place? You are a mere instrument to relay to the people the word of God, not to play the role of a delusioned dictator. God wants us to be happy, so we do what we can to be happy. To deny us that is a sin, is it not? To not be able to live life to the fullest because of some old school oldies is, in every sense, not good. What I hate the most are close-minded people because they are selfish and inconsiderate of other's opinions. If you cannot accept them, then you aren't fit to be a religous leader"

Well, back to me and my blatant adoration. Two of my blog posts before contains anger in them. It was because of an event that had occured between him and my friend. Since then I never bothered to think about him for a second.

But that's the weird thing. Today, I dreamt of crying because of that. Funny thing is, he was there, kneeling in front of my, talking to me. By gestures, I know he's trying to calm me down while talking. The disturbing part of it is that he hugged me by getting on top of me (I was laid down on my right side)! It wasn't as nearly romantic as I thought it would be, but it did calm me down. At any case, the fact that I was crying in my sleep and the fact that I found out I was also crying in reality was what rendered me to write this blogpost. Really. It was then I found out that after all of that fiasco (the even between him and my friend), I still like him.

Funny that, he doesn't like me back. It's not even close to positive.

If, by some freak force of nature, he is reading this, then I must say thanks, since he did gave his time into reading this rant. And yeah, despite calling my feelings as a simple act of fandom, or in your words me being "patay-na-patay", I still like you. Although, as aforementioned, I would curse you to death, I would never enjoy it and probably pray you to be okay. Funny person I am, really. I just honestly don't get what aspect of you do I find attractive. I'm not attracted to you physically, that's for sure. Even with my female friends saying how attractive you are, I say to them, "Really, now?" because I don't really believe the claim. Not that you're ugly and all, but because I don't give a damn about looks. I once took home a girl as I introduced her to mom, and I know she's not that pretty, but I ended it anyway. She was really bitchy at times... even more than me.

At any case, if you're really reading this, I say my thanks. I'm not praying that you'd like me back, never. I don't try to drown myself in some fantasy. I just hope that one day, there'd be a time when I can now not worry about this anymore, and still be happy.

That Fucking Sonofabitch Pt 2

Dear Bastard,

I realized the error of my ways, oh little duckie. I've failed to acknowledge the limit of your understanding towards humanity. Oh how, lil' ol' me, did I neglect such obvious fact?

Simple-- I must be delusional.

I endulged myself in an overrated soap opera entitled "How to Love a Fuckface", directed by The Greatest Evil. I'm happy to inform you that you were, indeed, the protagonist of the said show, but sadly, if that was really the case, you were killed by the antagonist. Antagonist, being your overly-large ego.

If only it was a real show... I'd rate it flat -10/10.

At any case, fuckface, you are trying my patience. Not only that, you are also trying my universe-wide understanding of matters.

Let me take this opportunity to offer you a compensation: I'll forgive you if you can erradicate your insecurities and such like the Death Star of Star Wars.

Wishing bright days, with flowers and butterflies, to brighten up your gloomy days, especially after some heavy ass-whooping at nights,

-Evilness

That Fucking Sonofabitch

Dear Fuckface,

I am very much disappointed at you. Never had I been so shock in my entire life. Never had I heard from you any respect, and the respect I have for you are now gone.

In short, I hate you.

Hate is such a strong word, I know. But know that no words can express how much I abhor your very existence. I can even admit that I was a slave to passion for you, but now I am a slave to rage for you.

Still unclear for you? Well, let me explain. What you did was not nice. Actually, not nice is a very big understatement. You have neglected the fact that I am, with no doubt, have feelings akin to low mortals such as yourself. How can you, peasant, neglect such fact? Your feeble attempt to strike a joke was not even funny enough to wake the dogs. Your immature judgement (if you can call it such), and your utter lack of understanding means that you fail to understand humanity. I do wonder how.

It's a good time to tell you I'm happy to be here with you. Feels like hell. Actually, it is hell. I've got my own life full of hard work. I feel like a slave, or go pick yourself a hell-related cliche.

My personal favorite? Hope to see you there.

Now let's go back to why I am pissed at you. You see, your statement wasn't really that funny. I should tell you that you are very fortunate that I am not there, because I'll cut off your balls and feed it to you.

I'll write you, duckie, another post since you were such a big part of my life. Keyword being "were".

Have a good day. You'll need it soon.

-Your evil overlord

Daddy

Tonight, I received a text message from my mother saying that my father was rushed to the hospital. She said that a nerve in his head had popped.

I'm very sad right now. No, it's an understatement. I am not yet prepared to lose my dad. I've yet to make him see me walk on the pedestal when my graduation comes. I've yet to show him my family in the future. I've yet to show my kids their grandfather. I can't take it! I will not accept that event.

I will pray for his safety... and I don't know why. I must keep myself collected, but inside, I am sure that I am slowly feeling devastated. I feel very, very sad right now.

For my dad, I will try my best. I will pray for his safety, and I wish that you guys would help me cope up with this shocking revelation.

I... I can't type much. I.. I'm blacked out.

Private Grand Chaser!

I managed to make my private server online... haha. Now I'm just making adjustments since I just reformatted my computer. I'm downloading different clients and trying everything out.

Now, I'm going to enjoy my private server and no one can do anything about it!

A much awaited trial

Finally I’m able to set up Windows Live Writer… and right now this post is made via the said program. I’m not saying much today, since I have yet to set up my day… so, tata!

Take that, Fuckers!

Ha, I am this close to tap dancing. I mean, I don't even know how to tap dance. Anyway, I'm so fucking happy because I am now left with little to none to do... except for one that I can manage on my own anyway.

Anyway, there is little time for me to rest, but I'd say that I would want to cherish this moment to tell the world this:

"Take that, you fuckers! I'm almost done with everything I have to do, so I promise to immolate you fuckers later!"

Hah. What a beautiful world this is.

Developer in the Making?

I've been dwelling on my course for some time now, so I tried putting my skills into test. I tried making servers of some games. Sadly, I am still a bit low on experience, and so I am doing my best into making more game servers. Fortunately, I've done Ragnarok and made it work. Now I'm going to make "Grand Chase", "Maple Story", "O2Jam", and "Audition" to work. Hopefully in the near future, I would be able to make all of these working.

Beneath the Scorching Earth, Like a Vampire?

I daresay that it's very hot today. Not only do I feel the heat seeping through every pores, but I also feel my head spinning. Kind of like jack hammering cement.

I felt very sick while walking beneath the blazing sun... as if my skin is burning.

A darkened spot on my hand - it looks like it burnt. I laughed, despite the misfortune. So I'm ultra sensitive to temperature... isn't it normal? And they say heatstrokes aren't normal.

Dammit, I need ice.

Over the Exams

Finally I am free from the horror that is the exams. Seriously, I lacked the sleep last night to hopefully maintain my sanity and now I am going to rest my brain by shutting off unnecessary things. Hopefully fate would allow me to rest.

SR Referendum?

First and foremost the DEFEND the OSR alliance calls for the students to defend the OSR from admin intervention. The mere existence of a referendum in the new UP charter without the prior knowledge of the students, is already a manifestation of admin intervention in student affairs.

Given that the new UP charter is already a law, we, the students, are given no choice but to do something about it. In the new UP charter, the selection of a new student regent should undergo a process of referendum, before the admin recognize the new SR. If the referendum fails, we will lose our sole representation in the board of regents, plain and simple.

Those who do not see the logic behind it are either blind or pretending to be blind. Yes, whether the referendum fails or not, the Office of the Student Regent, itself, as a structure will continue to exist. Shahana Abdulwahid might still remain as the SR. She might still continue using the OSR, but that does not give us any assurance that the admin will continue to recognize Shahana as the representative of the students in the BOR. That does not give us the assurance that the BOR will continue to recognize the existence of an SR...that is only one of the many things that might happen when the referendum fails.

There are many things that could happen, and those things does not necessarily mean it's favorable to us students. And if we happen to not-act out our rights and defend what we should and previously had long before this whole catastrophe happened, we will fall down to their hands and be played like discarded chess pieces lying on the floor of defeat.

We cannot also discard the possibility of an SR-Malacanang appointee, if the referendum fails. Since the failure of the referendum will show of a lack of unity among the ranks of the students, the admin might feel the need to intervene and supposedly "help" us in our dilemma. now, we all know what a malacanang appointee would mean. But, that also might not happen given a section in the UP charter that says that the SR selection process is a sole student affair. But then again, given the long history of the struggles of the students in fighting for their rights, it would not be surprising that the admin will find a way of intervening in student affairs.

Would you trust a complete stranger, per se, in the middle of nowhere, to tell you where you'd find freedom? Where you'd find a cozy place to rest? If a high-school graduate is capable of becoming a barangay chairman, what more could a student be? Of course, given that he could manage his academics. But academics does not say anything about responsibility. It only says something about how well you understand what your teacher understands and says to you, not on how well-versed you are in the topic. If you are well-versed in the topic you'd still have no assurance that you'd get a good grade from your prof (as an experience with one professor that is unclear in his decisions).

Voting yes to the referendum is securing our student rights--the rights that students before us have fought hard with their lives. If we fail the referendum, the time, efforts, and lives spent by these students will be put to waste. failing the referendum is tantamount to willingly surrendering our rights.

I always thought adults are previously those children whose dreams were bright and peaceful, but looking at now it seems their own, selfish future's what they are playing, and are cutting of the future of this world. In my opinion, and I wish to extend this opinion to all so that they would share my own, to continue such act would mean that they are cutting off the supposedly upcoming future. Go on, and stop giving the children a chance to equip themselves, and later on when you are old and turning to dust will you regret that you have left nothing to save this world from what you have done.

---------------

As a final note, if you are going to give me negative comments, keep them to yourselves. I don't need them. I respect your decisions, no matter how absurd your reasons may be, so I dearly hope you respect mine. Don't give me crap about how wrong am I in doing this, because frankly, I don't care. I've understood what it means to vote yes. I attended and understood enough to make a stand. I don't make a stand based from what my affiliations say (i.e., what my organization's stand is), I base them from my own understanding. After all, I have the freedom to do so.

Unhappy, starting now.

Earlier this morning I have felt a very serious wave of unlucky-ness that I had hopefully asked for my feeling to be wrong. Even though yesterday was supposed to be my birthday, it did not excused me for the colossal holocaust that was bound to happen to this day forward.
Needless to say that it did not make me any happier than I am, and that is saying a lot.
I do not know why, but I feel this strong intuition that there is someone out there, someone close, that is always at beck and call whenever there is a need to prove me wrong, even if it is fucking 100% right. Even if I'm supposed to not-give-a-damn or disprove their "trying to disprove me" theory, I just keep myself quiet and let them feel their false victory. I mean, you can't blame me if I can control my emotions. You cannot blame me if I'm so forgiving.
Wrong.
I'm very unforgiving, I'm very vengeful, I'm very sadistic, and as a sugar-coated cherry on the top of the ice cream, I'm downright evil. I'm just coating it with a silent face. Maybe you could say that I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing. Well, I don't care.
I don't know if I'm able to keep this facade any longer. If I'm not so considerate of others feelings I would've dealt with it the old way - removing them from the face of the earth without any emotions attached. I could still remember the day when I impaled a pen on my class mate's leg, and that was when I was six years old.
Hah, sweet memories.
From now on, I shall keep my emotions at bay. Why? Because I am sure that whatever my reactions about to and for people would instantly send them to thinking. As if I care.
Yeah, I do care. I cry everyday about it.
Pfft. As if. I haven't cried in two years.
Surely an egoistical, self-centered, know-it-all elitist-ish being would fathom what he/she thinks he/she could swallow, even if you end up eating other's portion, or choking out yourself.
A big sigh please? Thank you.

I'm 19 on the 19th?

Well, good grief I'm already 19. From this day onward, I'm officially one step closer to being an adult, not that it matters or as if I do care. What matters was what happened this day. I had so much fun being greeted at by my friends, even if I did not had the capability to buy myself a banquet for a lot of people.

Anyway, I'm going to be soooo dead the next morning.

Windows Se7en Ultimate

It was only yesterday that I've managed to set up my PC to run Windows se7en. Needless to say, I'm quite enjoying myself with the new features it has. The following are the ones I've tried already:

• Voice-activated commands. You'd think this is old school, but no. I've managed to type a whole page of a story with just me saying it! It's really cool. Plus, I could command the computer to do a lot of things. :D
• Biometric security. This is really freakin' cool. I mean, you can set up your computer so that no one but you can access your computer. It utilizes your fingerprint. :D
• Touch Screen response. It makes your PC look like iPod touch... but it loses to...
• overall look of the system.

I don't really recommend everyone on trying this out, since it's still buggy and it's still in its beta form, so there. But for now, I'm having fun.

By the way, I've written this entry with my speech program that's built in the OS.

Madam Auring... Me Asim Pa? EWWWWWWWWWW!

Like, I was totally disturbed last night when my room mate turned on his radio and right away did we heard the voice of the queen of the damned (Damned queen, take your pick). She was the guest of that night, and hopefully stays that night alone.

During the course of the discussion, we have heard her saying something along this line:

MA: Me nakikita akong Sinag.

DJ: Ano pong sinag? Fluorescent po ba o bulb?

MA: Ung Sinag talaga.

DJ: Ah, so hindi talaga fluorescent

MA: Tapos nakita ko si Jesus...

... And that's where I placed the punchline, "Sinunsundo na kasi siya" And of course, we had the ROTFLLOLZWUT (Rolling on the Floor Laughing lolzwut).

Then on another part:

DJ: So Madam Auring, me asim pa po ba kayo?

MA: OO naman.

... and we determined the sourness. First we tested it with Kamias, no luck. We then settled with Sampaloc since it is both very sour and totally crispy. Then we had a conversation aftwerwards:

Inoch: Pano kaya siya no? Kelangan ng madaming lubricant... (tawa c cheezliz)

ShiningRiver: Hindi lubricant lang ang kelangan don...

Inoch & Cheezliz: ano?

ShiningRiver: Ano nga uli tawag dun? Ah! Prongs. (Tawa si Cheezliz at Inoch). Tapos kelangang maraming oil kasi baka mag-snap. (Halakhak na kami).

AS a finale, I would like to present Madam Auring's Single: May Asim Pa Ako:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acGU-5amo2o

Like I said, eww.