Good evening...
After the meeting earlier [well, compared to the time of this post], I felt bad. I felt terribly guilty of what I did back at the meeting... It was inexcusable for me to go ballistic for an unknown cause. Well, pardon me for being so self-pitious [if that's a word, were I'm sure it is]. Curse these mood swings...
That left me crying for almost an hour now... nothing but guilt and a heavy feeling of lost was there... I don't know why, but I was affected, deeply, by the words we talked about there. I would take it into confidentiality from our meeting. Anyway, I know I shouldn't fret about that, but It affected me.. deeply. Like I said, that left me crying for an hour now.
And there is oni-chan... I wanted to say sorry to him... but I don't think he forgave me... Oh, I wasn't really expecting him to forgive me after what I've done... I was going ahead of my age. I feel so pityful. So weak. SO fragile.... so unlike myself... the last thing I really need right now was oni-chan's anger... I can't bear that...
I was so damned stupid to think that everything's ok. It's just crap. CRAP. I was so hard on evryone. Pressing them to think that I was a coldhearted homicide sadist who doesn't know how to love. Well, please tell me to slap myself. Maybe it was my subconsciousness, but I was damned aware. God... I couldn't hurt you... even if I could, but I wouldn't. Let's just say that it is not my guilt that supressess me, but my heart and my sould does.
Guilt. It is something you should learn to understand. It is this unexplainable feeling that renders a monster unto his knees. It is also this conscience that keeps the path clear of blood and stains. Guilt stops us from going deeper into the darkness.
I shouldn't have done those... now more will hate me, fear me. Great... Just great. *sarcasm
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