Goodbye to you

Sadness. It wonders me on how this simple word possess such a strong impact on one's life. No matter how it forms, it still gets through a lot of barriers and digs itself deep down inside the human flesh, down to the inner core of your soul.

It amazes me more as to how this feeble word weigh so heavy... destroy the very sane, and render you weak emotionally.

It took me a long time to realize my feelings for a certain fella. I never payed much attention to it at first, but at each passing day, the feelings go stronger and stronger, until I can't bear it anymore. I had to do something.

And so I did.

I gathered up my strength to finish what I needed to finished a long time ago. I picked up my YM and looked for a certain someone. Good thing that fella's online. And so, I had a little talk. I was in a public place and I was crying. Pathetic, right? I don't care.

Finally, it's done. The fella offered friendship. Of course, he can't offer something as strong as a commitment, since I know it's not possible, right? I am willing to accept the friendship, but of course, it hurts more, right? Being friends with someone you love and trying hard to supress the feelings that is slowly killing you by the minute.

And that's why I left. I don't want to feel more pain. I'm locking myself up, and I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I will leave, dwell in my own solitude...

If I would dwell in my own blood, let it be. I don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. I loved to much, and it's all a waste. I knew I was destined to lie a life full of pain, misery, solitude and anguish, yet I persisted on going against it. It was just not meant to be... and so, living a life of happiness is just not meant to be for me.

I ask forgiveness for this short entry, since I can't contain my tears any longer. My heart aches, both literally and figuratively. I do not mind if everyone's reading this, since I doubt you would understand. I left because I can't pretend to be okay anymore. I can't fake a smile anymore. I can't be so happy anymore... because I'm not broken and hurt... unloved and left alone...

Caged Bird

I'll be direct to the point. I was crying last night. Of course, this might seem not a news to you, but everyone does cry for their own reasons. For me, I was crying for a lot of reasons that can be summed up into two words - caged bird. Yes, I was crying because I felt like a caged bird, unable to spread its wings to fly freely in the sky. Why? This cage that locks me from the worlds haven't been opened since I can't remember when. I can only see the otside through these glass windows, but I am unable to experience them. Joy.

Sad, isn't it? For the past 17 years of my life I have been a bird in a cage. Always deprived of what you want, and unable to decide what's good for you. I know parents knows best, but they should be supporting you, not bringing you down. I mean, I've always wanted to be a comsci student, and they say it's stupid or something that goes by that word, but i still took it because I want it. I've always been a writer, yet they cannot support me when I'm writting. Another reason why suddenly stopped writing is bcause they want me to stop. Pitiful, really, but infuriating nonetheless. I mean, you want to be something you are good at and the ones you expect to support you are bringing you down. How awful is that?

Another thing that made me sad is the fact that I am encasd in my own solitude. I mean, no one [emphasis on 'no one'] had attempted to touch me or hug me. I don't wish to be hugged casually, more like lovingly. Yeah, you heard me right. The sole reason I'm sad is because I want a person's company, someone's company. In case you haven't noticed the previous entry, I'm talking about my 'old friend'. I'm not looking for a love in return, nor a bed scene; I'm looking for, at least, symphatetic kindness.

I can feel that my love isn't wanted, so what can I do? Should I continue to feel those feelings or should I lock them away completely? Only time can tell... But I hope it's not too late for it.

Why can't I be someone I really am? Why do they force me to do things I do not want to do? Is it because it is 'right' in their sense? What about what is 'right' in my sense? I believe that you shouldn't tell others what they need to do in their own lofe. I believe you shouldn't meddle with one's decisions. I believe you shouldn't hate them for what they decided just because their decision is what you despise. It's the decision you despise, not the person. I believe that people who change their relation to a person who just made a choice in his/her own life is stupid. I mean, let's take and example. We have two men here, the two of them are best friends. Let's call one Ken and the other Mikhail. Mikhail has a little sister, named Alice. Alice has an obvious crush [read: obsession] with Ken. Of course, Mikhail calls it love. Ken, on the other hand, does not love Alice [who would be?] but decides to play along because he doesn't want the break the little girl's heart since she's his friend too. Now Mikhail asks Ken directly about marriage, which ticked Ken [obviously], but being the nice guy that he is, he politely declined. Mikhail is ticked off, asking for a reason. Ken just replied that he likes Alice only as a little sister, not as a lover. Mikhail is more ticked off because of what his friend said, and so he breaks the bonds and is now Ken's enemy. Sad, ne? It ticked Ken more, quoting a good quote: "Is it not you who begged me to tell you my problems? Is it not you who asked me to be your friend? Is it not you who wants me to trust you? Well, I did. Now, you want to decide for my future? That's too much. You are only my best friend, not my God. I am allowed to love whomsoever I want and even my best friend or anyone has no right to tell me what to accept or not. I accepted you because you wanted it. Now that I declined your sister, you want it all back? You are not my best friend anymore because of that petty reason? Because I broke your sister's heart? Have you not considered that I am not a puppet for your little sister? I'm also human, equipped with feelings and a mind of its own, and I believe that I am capable of deciding for my self, so if you can't accept my decision, go away." That was beautiful.

But, later that night, I asked for help from someone. I was still crying, yes, but i tried my best to hold back some tears. I told him that I'm down and depressed, stating some points already pointed out on the previous paragraphs. He replied, telling me that he's by my side, protecting me. I smiled. At least I know there's a knight by my side who would catch me if I fall, and I"m willing to do the same. At that point, yes, I was really happy. SOmeone fropped by and offered me a warm smile. Thank you, my knight. Thank you for being there beside me, protecting me with your divine grace.

As soon as I'm able to go out of this cage, I"ll roam free and go experience things that I didn't had. Remember, I was deprived of childhood, and now I'm being deprived of my entire life, so I want to be free. Help me, please?

Crushed.

Before anything else, I would like to tell my story.

Back in highschool, I was always closed to myself. I am not that close to anyone. Why is it? It is because of my childhood. When I was young I wasn't allowed to go out of my room. All I did was study and study. No play. That's also the reason why I don't know much child games. That's also the reason why I am so distant to everyone around me. I've lived so long in that kind of life until I stepped to high school. Still my lifestyle was the same, but the thing is, I'm more free than I was back then. Still, there is 'me' and there is 'them' and a barrier between the two. I tried meddling with them, although I have no idea how to. And I was shoved off, or implicitely ignored. Anyway, It didn't bother me at first, since it wasn't really a big deal for me. But, as I progress, there were imbeciles who are closed-minded and know only of perfection. I don't really know what's their problem, but they kept on making my life a living hell. I didn't fight, because I don't want them to end up dead.

But that's beside the topic right now. What I'm going to say about is my relation with someone I known for almost 3 years now. He was a classmate of mine since my junior years. I wasn't really close to anyone yet, but I recognized this fellow as an enemy. He and his social friends were always picking on me. I don't really know what's their problem. I'm not doing anything with them. Hell, did I say I'm distant? Distant meaning I have my own life and I don't interact with them unless they interact with me first. It's been like that. Anyway, he was always kicking my ass, not in the literal sense. I don't really care back then.

Then there came my senior years. Yes, it was fun. At least I had less troubles than I had the previous years. Anyway, he was my classmate - again. It's not that I'm complaining, i just didn't pay much attention. Oh, a little information. We were 29 in class, 9 boys and the rest are girls. This is the only class that has that low number of males. And since we are low in number, we tend to be close to each other. Even in CAT [trust me, CAT is unenjoyable. We had to write and write like shit, and even do jobs NSO are supposed to do], we managed to group ourselves together. If there was a chance, we would always go together. Always. In recess, we all go down the same time. It was then that I felt a good company. It was good while it lasted, though.

Then there came the class's open forum. I announced to everyone that I really hated when he [let's call him dragon, k?] blames me for his mistakes and everything wrong happening to him. And so he apologized. Then we became friends. It was really unexpected, but I'm glad that he turned out to be nice. LET ME TELL YOU, THE DRAGON IS NICE! He's kind and gentle. And in graduation, that's what I last heard him speak, and it was words of farewell... Sad, isn't it? Well, that's life - it sucks.

NOw that college came, I was happy. I was expecting a fresh start, not something I would write as a sequel to that hell hole dusguised as a science high school. I saw him again, but he doesn't smile anymore. It was painful.

I had only 3 people to talk to back then, Dragon, My friend Ovid, and my room mate Zilin. The four of us were classmates back in the senior days, so we were practically close. Dragon was anti-social and arrogant in college, I don't see Ovid pretty much often, so that leaves me with Zilin to talk to. But, he was such a good adviser. He's there when I cry, when I am happy. He had witnessed my near demise, and he was there to help me. I could've only imagined dragon would do the same. Zilin was frantic when I was so hot because of fever [turns out I have dengue plus typhoid, leaving me with 40C] and shaking madly like hell. Anyway, what made me cry was the Dragon. He was always so near, yet so far. I DO HOPE YOU GUYS ARE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

He said, according to my friend Ovid, that in college he would really change his style. I didn't expect him to be so arrogant and antisocial, a total opposite of what he was back in high school. What pained me more was the fact that he's completely ignoring me.  I felt something important was lost to me. That then, I felt it. It was love. I was in love with him, my dragon. I fell in love with my dragon.

And so I placed it in my heart. I did everything with passion so that my dragon would one day recognize me, or at the most, accept me or love me in return. I am not really hoping that he would return my love, because it hurts to expect, yet, you can't blame me for falling in love, right? Falling in love is never a choice, nor a matter of opinion; it is a matter of chance. You can't help who you fall in love with. And if there is someone who's not happy with that, then they are selfish idiots who know nothing of what it feels like to be in your shoes.

And so, as I continue to live my life within this agony of mine, I'll hope that one day, I could be with my dragon completely. I love you, my dragon, and I hope you know that... That I'm willing to die for you, writhe in your pain, endluge myself in the cruel paradise that's waiting for me, just as long as I know you will love me.

I love you...

The Late Apology

I was just reading someone's blog later this day. Well, at least I wasn't rudely ignore. But, that's not the point right now. The point is... to have this blog put across some distance. At least a short distance to someone out there that I want reading this.

Let's get this show to the road, shall we?

First, I would like to state my side. I never had much fun in high school. The only 'fun' I had was within my circle of 'friends' in my seniors. Even if it was lackadaisical, i didn't regret having them as my friends. I didn't regret meeting them, not at all, since I have learned from my past. I learned so much about how to live on.

I admit that I was an idiot back then. Well, maybe my immature mind was at work there. I wuold like to apologize to the people I've interacted to, because I can't even forgive myself for showing my presence to you guys. It hurts more to me than it hurts you. I was living with a uncontrolable emotion, and it took me until college to realize that. Now I'm able to recognize my mood swings as another personality, since I could barely recall what I've done in those moods. When I'm angry, I could barely recall what made me angry. When I'm sad, however, it reaches the depths of my mind, causing myself to lose any real contact with people [being distant to some people I don't want to get hurt], still, the only munscian that was always with me, Zilin, knew what pain I was going through.

I would like to say sorry to someone because I was such an idiot to him. I really loved the times we would argue and debate. I felt so alive. Even if I once told the entire class [you, being there] that I hated it, I realized that I liked it. It was what gave me the reason to push further into myself, digging up more of my talents and my abilities, hence my passion to do things. I kept you in mind, and swore one day that you would be able to recognize me as an 'equal', opponent or friend.

But I would like to say my sad story. I liked the whole cat and mouse thing that I took it by heart. I was so hurt when college started. I even backed out from PNU just so that I could prove myself. But, all went wrong. You became 'arrogant and antisocial' as my friends see from you. Well, I just simply shrug it of and say, 'well, he's not that bad once you get to know him. He was kind." I placed emphasis on the word 'was' because I don't really know if you were still that kind classmate I knew. Oh well, there's your friends and there's mine... and there's no 'us' in between. There is none, right?

I wasn't really hoping, because I know it's not possible to go through the same path again. So, I'll keep on living through the pain you would give me, until we part ways. Before that happens, I would like to tell you truths. 1) I never was trully angry at you. I don't know why. 2) You were the biggest reason I write and study seriously. 3) I've never been treated so cold by someone who treated me so kind before. 4) I was damned hurt because I was trying my best to go out of your way. 5) I tried my best to outrun you in every subject in college. I don't think I succeeded in that, but whatever. I want to do it. 6) I only have a few people in UP [that are munscians] that I could talk to, Ovid, you and Zilin, but I could only talk to Zilin since I see him everyday. Now you must have an idea on how 'dull' it is to speak with the same person every single day. Unexpectedly, I wasn't really bored. He gives nice suggestions. He's such a good friend, and I never thought we would be good friends. He learned to tolerate my mood swings, I learned to tolerate his naughtiness.

When I was elementary, there was no one I could call a friend, since no one had been nice to me. I haven't done anything wrong. I was a good student, I study, I am polite, but I never played. Must be the lack of childhood. Remember when I said that I was never allowed to go out when I was a kid? That's the reason I wasn't able to have a 'pleasant' childhood experience. Every year in elementary, I would transfer school. Until I landed on grade 4, where I graduated at the same school. BUt, the sad thing is, at the graduation, the friends I had for 3 years there betrayed me right there and there. It was a sad graduation, really.

But it was incomparable to highschool.

Even in that short, hell-ish years, I gave trust, even if the price to pay was pain. Not some ordinary pain, but emotional pain. I still wonder if I'm still emotionally strong, since I was still alive and sane after all that hell. But one person gave me pain beyond others, you. Well, all that ignorance and cold shoulders you gave me in college was beyond pain. I don't know why, but it reall was painful. I had only 3 people to talk to. One was barely there, ONe was always there, and one was my classmate who was giving me a cold shoulder. So, I had no choice but to go with the second choice. Anyway, he was nice to converse with.

Now, as I try my best for this to reach you, I would like to say sorry for being an idiot. I could only be worthy of your punishments, and I'll be waiting for it. I'll try to live through it, again. Let it be my cruel paradise of anguish and pain. Chastise me with words of hate until there is none to say. I will listen, I will not talk back. Just as long as you want to kill me, I'll be happy to die.

Good night.

The commercial

Good Evening.

These past few days, I have been asking myself. I have been doing some self-evaluation for some time, and asking myself questions that are somewhat silly, in a way. But, who really cares, right? No one would be able to comprehend's ones thought other than oneself, right? Or, is it just a mere generalization that I alone understand?

In any way, I have tried some silly tests. First of which was the 'destiny' test. I believe that destiny is inevitable but foreign. Why is it so? It is inevitable because we cannot envision the future [well, I can, but I can't go as far as a year or so, and I can't do it often], and we cannot change what are yet to come. It is foreign since it is not tangible by our own hands, and cannot be twisted in any way a man could do. Quite a mystery, isn't it? But whatever destiny is, I believe that everyone's destiny is unique on its own, and everyone has their own special path to take, although there will be times that the roads would intersect, nonetheless we are still taking our own paths, even if it by free will or not.

Well, let's go to the test, shall we? Here's what I got:

Sai, your destiny is to be a Protector
 Whether you know it or not, this is the role that is most in tune with who you are at your core. As a Protector, you have an exceptional gift for guiding and comforting others when no one else is willing or able because you actually feel their pain as if it were your own. If you could insulate those you love from all hardship, you would consider that your greatest accomplishment. You offer caring and thoughtful advice that helps others heal and move in a positive direction, but you don't call attention to yourself, choosing rather to selflessly give to others in order to make the world a better place. This sense of duty and exceptional work ethic will get you far in life, however, it can lead to frustration when you don't get the appreciation you deserve. Remember to take care of yourself because if you feel good others will feel reassured by your steady, prudent, and methodical ways, and the world really will be a better place!

When I saw my result, I was utmost shocked. Well, for once I thought about it, yeah, that pretty much defines who I am. I do not know why, but I just had this feeling inside me that goes all so righteous and protective. When a friend of mine feels down, I try to help. Even if it means me bit-ching out. In addition to that, I feel really, really sick when I can't help my friends. It makes me want to kill myself for being helpless. I sometimes wish that all their burden, their sorrows, their pain and anguish; I wish I could carry them all in my back, adding them in my collection. I wish I could do that, but I couldn't and they wouldn't let me. Even if it's stupid, and martyr, I don't care. It's my choice. It's the only way I know how to live, and I can't change that fact.

So the next time you see me sad, I do hope I could go see the light, because it's an usual occurence to me. I'm always sad. I can't help but fret every now and then, because I have never felt 'real' happiness. I always failed at whatever I have attempted to do. I failed, but never quitted. I was too stubborn to quit, because I know that's the only way I would really, really lose. I haven't submitted myself into losing, and I know I am powerful enough to win. I think it's in my blood [my spanish blood] that boils up whenever someone tries to go up against me. Well, I don't like rude people [I won't name names now, because it'll be absurd at this point in time], and I don't like people who rudely ignore me. I also don't like people staring at me for no reason. I know I'm beautiful and all [yes, and it's a fact. No wonder why those people try to hit on me, plus the fact that they address me as "ate" and "kuya" in some point of the day... freaky, but it's something funny], but it's really rude and disturbing to stare [I could forgive you if you're cute, but if you're not, then no].

Well, I have to admit that I love things cute and pretty. Does that make me a pedophile? Well, my friends say that I am one, but I haven't really had any emotional attachments with those of younger age. I just like cute and pretty things. I really don't enjoy having those mushy stuff, but I like it when the whole thing's appealing and cute. That's why I really don't care what genre of anime I am watching, as long as it's either enjoyable, funny, or cute.

Oh, I'm slipping down so far, right? I must've been on the second block by now, and I haven't even noticed it yet!

Now, let's go to the real world. I opened my YM yesterday, and no one bothered saying hello, well, except for Ms. Gaea, whom I really liked [liked = friendly liked. No green thoughts], because of her exceptional thoughts. At least I know there's someone I could relate [and converse] to. Other than that, I am a little infuriated by the fact that no one even bothered saying hello. I know everyone's busy right now, but still... I'm trying to give an effort of greeting them. That's why right now, I rudely ignored everyone in my YM because I've been so rudely ignored, not that it matters now.

To make matters worse for the day, I was sermoned out of the blue. Here I am, drawing and writting something in front of the computer, when all of the sudden mom stood up and called my attention, preaching me about stuff that concerns me dropping my grades and such. My mom's a freaky paranoid, because I ALWAYS am serious when studying. I DON'T like getting low grades, and how the hell would I get a dropping grade if I barely move my attention from my studies? The only way that could happen is when I have a very sadistic teacher [which I doubt would happen], or if my transcript is lost, and was replaced with some random delinquent. Poor me. I would've destroyed UP by then.

At any rate, I would like to apologize to everyone for making your lives a living hell because of my violence. I cannot promise you that I'll remove that, because it's part of me [it's a BIG part of me] and it's really, really uncontrolable. It's mood swings, friends, MOOD SWINGS! I mean, even pregnant women have it. But I'm not pregnant. I'm still a virgin, the last time I checked. Wait... pretend I didn't write this paragraph.

Till then, I will write more about my journeys. I do hope from my dark start, I would end up at the lighter end. Thank you for listening and joining me on my journey.

Oh, before I forgot, please check the latest commercial of Coca Cola here, and look at the guy there. The guy looks exactly like the boy mentioned in my previous entry, add some pimples, and lengthen the hair... straight emo style. There you have him.

You can download it  at http://www.coca-cola.com/template1/index.jsp?locale=en_PH&site=../downloads/downloads.html .

My Dreams... would come true?

Good Morning.

Ever wondered why we have dreams? Well, for sure you have asked the question, but I am still unsure if you have. Even so, I do not want to know. However, I want to know why dreams are there, and so I intend to find out.

I beleive dreams can be either pleasant, weird, or dreadful. I have experienced those kind of dreams, and I haven't flinched, well, except for one. I do not plan on sharing that dream right now, because I already did shared it.

However, there is one dream I would like to share. It was a dream I had earlier today. It feels kind of weird to have your dreams in the morning, but, hey, everyone's weird in their own little way.

I was there at the familiar room back in high school. I felt sick, because I remembered the old times, the times I had to live through that hell hole disguised as a school. It was morning, so I can tell my position. I was near the door, and the others were all around me... well, not literally 'around me', but to my right and to my front [because I was at the lower left. The last seat], there were a lot of people [a lot, because we were 29 in class].

The point is, we had this game. Well, one was supposed to sit at the center front and everyone's going to say something positive and something negative about the person. For example, I would like to say, for the positive side, that you are a kind person, and is willing to give anything for those who really need it. On the negative, however, your mood swings are really, really violent.

And so, it was my turn. I wasn't nervous or anything. I was a cold-hearted human being, so what could possibly go wrong? Not that I cold think of any. Well, I went to the seat, and sat down. I looked at them intentively as they ask every question. I answered them with confidence and with fury, knowing that every answer is full of confidence and honesty. I answered intelligently, as I voice out my opinion. Well, my logic was at work there. I'm not that kind anymore. I might've ignored those protests before, but not now. Since nothing binds me from you, there is no reason for me to hold back to my own strength.

And so they asked me. "Why are you so distant to us?" I can't remember what question number was that, but it didn't matter to me. I would just answer questions anyway. "Since I could remember until I turned 16, I was always at my room. I was never allowed to go out, or if I could, I couldn't get out of my own home. I was always alone, well, not literally alone because I still have family, but still, there was 'me' and there was 'us'. The 'us' being one family, and 'me' being me inside that room. Not that I was complaining, but I learned everything I had to learn there, from books. Well, there was something I haven't learned, and it was my lack of childhood activities. I haven't had a decent childhood experience, and I think you know why. I wasn't socially aware... well, because I was inside that room. Now you know why I am so distant, because it's the only way I know how to live."

And there's this girl I despise so much. She thinks she's so great, so beautiful, well my feet's more beautiful than you, and my ass's whiter than your whole body. "Are you gay?" Haha, that's a very, very nice question. "I am not. I'm sure you do not accept my answer, but I am not gay, in any way."

And a follow-up question, "then why do you act like one?" I do not act like one. Stupid bitch, thinks she knows everything... check your ass, you might have something dark there. Oh, it was your face... I'm sorry for the misconception. It looks exactly the same. "I do not act like one. I was raised femininely, treated more of a daughter than a son. You can't blame my parents, or me for that. Did I have the right to choose my parents, let alone my destiny? Was it wrong for a parent to raise his/her child the way he/she wants to? Of course not. In their eyes, what they're doing is right, and you are in no position to say that they are wrong. We all have our own definition of 'right' and 'wrong' and your 'right' might not be the 'right' for them, and vice versa. Thus, there is conflict, but when we acknowledge each other's 'right', then we would achieve understanding and peace. Again, I do not act like one, but I am raised femininely. Ever saw my baby pictures? I wear a girl's dress."

And there was a long silence. They haven't expected me to talk so... brave and bold. What? Do I have no right to change who I am? Well, I didn't but still, I kept myself silent for so long, and now's the right time to unleash my fury.

It was his turn to ask, the one who gave me pain beyond recognition. He was hesitant to ask, but still, he asked, "Do you have someone whom you hate?"
"If you imply as to I hate you, no. I could never stay angry at you, and I do not know why. But, if there's someone I really loath, it would be the ebonic bitch over there." I smirked evilly, "Yeah, I despise you for making my life a living hell for 2 years. You add more hell than what was happening to me for 2 years. The last 2 years of my life was spent in silence because I want to explode in rage and can't control what would happen. I was thinking of ripping your spine off, letting you bleed to death while I pin your lips shut, but that would be so quick." And so, the question and answer portion of the show ends there.

As the next person goes and replace me in my seat, I sat down quietly at my original seat. When everyone's attention was drawn to the person on the chair, I slipped out quietly. I walked quietly to the stairs, which was far from the classroom. It was quiet there, and amazingly refreshing. The air blows so fine there. I sat down there and weeped quietly. even if there was no one around, I kept my tears silent and hidden. But, I was so rudely interrupted when I felt that there were arms wrapped around me. I tried to look at where those arms come from, and from whom. To my surprise, it was him. I could only confirm it in the corner of my eye, because he couldn't let me know who he was. That was stupid, because I could recognize the voice. "I have a question I haven't asked you yet..." Ok, this is getting a bit awkward. "... Do you...really... love me?" Of course I do, how else could I take all the pain and never die? "I really, really do." I answered quickly, but with full honesty. It didn't matter if he would reject me or not, I knew it would happen eventually. "I'm really sorry if you suffered because of me. I was just shocked when I found out your feelings... I just hope everything's not too late for me to ask forgiveness."

"I haven't considered your actions as something offensive. As I've said earlier, I could never stay angry at you. I do not know why, and I probably won't find out. But, if worse things happen, I could only tell you what I feel, and I do not hope for any feelings returned, because I would only hurt myself. Nonetheless, I won't return anymore. I'll leave your lives, never to appear again."

"Why so?"

"Because..." Please don't make this harder, "... the pain everyone inflicted on me was really, really painful, but the pain you alone inflicted nearly killed me, still, I wasn't angry." I walked down the stairs. He called my name to stop me. "PLease, don't go. Everyone's waiting for you."

"I really, really doubt that." I continued my walk until I reached home, which was very far from the school.

-|-o0o-|-

The next thing I knew I was lying on the hospital bed. There was my nurse. I didn't give a damn what she looked like, because what concerns me is why I'm here. It seems that I was suffering from blood loss, internal hemorhage, several bruises, broken bones, and some grotesque symptoms. I asked my nurse if there were visitors, and she said that there was none yet because it was just 5 hours ago that I was sent here and it was nearly the period where I had my operation. It was lucky that I was able to wake up right after the operations.

There was a knock on the door. Every one of them entered, and soon I found out it was some of my classmates. Heh, concerned? You have to wait before something happened to me before you show symphaty... typical. Asking forgiveness to someone dying hoping that they won't resent you right after their inevitable death. But I will, I'll vengefully resent that ebonic bitch until her final hour. Too bad your life's not worth it... maybe your afterlife?

There were visitors, few of my classmates. Mostly those who have I learned to be with for alsmot a year. Lucky. Finally, everyone left except him. He was asking forgiveness, and I had to say that he did no wrong. It was only a typical reaction, and I can't blame him for being that way. Have I told anyone I love him that much? No? Then you must've missed it.

And because he grew up with strong religious morals and values, homosexuality in itself was not seen as something completely sinful. No, it was more like the single action of intercourse. Intercourse was seen as something only used to bring forth life. Not as something to benefit one's own satisfaction. So, didn't that mean that even heterosexuals having sex were doing something just as sinful? How about married couples that were infertile? Was this action also considered sinful? Even if they were heterosexuals? But then again, the church is very reserved. It was the twenty first century for crying out loud! People didn't marry just because they wanted to have children. Some marred for love, for money, for companionship, or for financial support. Some married couples even hate the thought of children. So, why could homosexuals not get married? Probably because they cannot bring about life. But they can adopt. What's wrong with two men or two women adopting? They can be just as loving as any parent, right? Of course there may be cases where the child may grow up abused, but there are also many children who have abusive heterosexual parents. The world was getting over crowed already with all those people who want to have huge families. More homosexuals are just what everyone needs. So they can adopt those children who have lost their parents.

 
But that was another issue. In many cases, homosexual couples aren't allowed to adopt. People are afraid that the child may grow up confused, and turn out to be gay/lesbian. But face it. Homosexuals are born from heterosexuals. A child can grow up living with straight parents, but when they realize that they are different from everyone else because they are looking at the same gender, then they become confused regardless. It's a never ending debate.

End of the World

Well, it's my end for the whole world.

For some unknown reasons, I've been having frequent but weak heart attacks. Well, it does hurt, and it hits me when I least expect it to be. Cruel fate, right? Having a hell of a life, having no real friends, having everyone hate you, and having this burden you call a disease, what a slack-off I am, living a luxurious life full of nothing but bullshit.

Oh, don't go lecturing me about me being pessimistic or bullshit, because the hell I won't listen. I have no reason to change. My life's a living hell, and in that hell, how could you be so damned optimistic? Sorry, living those nightmares for 16 long years doesn't help improve one's optimism, let alone mine. Oh, don't get the wrong idea that I'm not completely optimistic. I'm optimistic in a sense that I would be expecting a beautiful funeral, and the pessimistic part, no one would bother to attend. If they do, they'll throw me a feign cry.

I may be in no position to say that my life is worse than anyone else, because I'm still alive and haven't lived half of my life [I don't know. Because I could die any moment, so the 'half' thing is really a variable] yet.

The reason I've been so damned pessimistic is because of one person who ripped my heart into shreds. Not that I mind though, but it hurts really bad when it hits you. Well, I never fought back, actually. I shrugged it off. And the poor fella doesn't know that what he's doing's killing me slowly. Oh, so you want my slow and painful death? Be my guest.

The reason I've tried to be so cold to everyone whom I met in the past 16 years is because they were the reason for my life being a living nightmare and my school being my hell hole. Should there be any reason? Well, I can't think of any other reason. Let's just say being locked up in your own room for 14 years doesn't help improve social awareness. Yeah, maybe I do lck social awareness, but I wouldn't need it in the near future, because I do not plan on going back to my past. I'll leave it behind. Let it haunt me, I don't care. Even if they haunt me to death, I won't care. It doesn't matter because dying isn't a big deal anymore. There's always pain, and I've become numb of the continuous pain inflicted upon me.

Now, the violent mood swings. I've been having frequent mood swings. It's because of the heat. I remember what I'm doing, but I can't control it when I'm angry. Trust me, I had a word fight with someone, and the two poor fellas left. They lost to me. They were so blinded by rage that they didn't know what they are saying [and beleive me, they are contradicting themselves] and so, I went with the word fights.

Now, Rejoice everyone! My nightmare's about to end... and the bigger nightmare's about to begin, my eternal suffering.

The Hatred Page

Good evening.

Once again, I have made myself accustomed to start my entry with a colloquial. Whatever made me introduce my entry this way, that would never be understood as I intend not to find any answer.

The same old question came up to my mind again - and it's about this diary.

Should I be happy now that I have found a pasttime? Or should I be sad since I alone read this journal of mine. Of course, knowing that this is a diary, it is intended for personal use, that is, unless you share this with someone else.

Someone you want to share it with. Yes, that first sentence in this paragraph really hits me with a big slap. I really want to shout to the world what I feel right now - anger, sorrow, despair, pain, you name it. It is still uncertain that the degree of those emotions are upright equal in terms, but I'm pretty sure that one or two emotions will triumph over the others. Nonetheless, I am unprepared for the outcomes of each.

Let's just pretend that all the pain, despair, anger, and sorrow are gone. Let's be emotionless for a while. Yes, your typical cold and distant me.

I remember the times I had back in high school. I was such a klutz, a big pain in the ass for a lot of people. But, could you blame someone who have never been taught to cope up with people, and have been locked inside his room for so many years without any chance to go out except when it's time to go to school?

Yes, that might be the reason for my cold and odd behavior. I'm not your 'average' human being, as most put it in terms. I have been trained to be what I am now, and have been able to supress joy. Only thing I learned for myself is sadness and my wisdom that I alone acquired for years.

Oh, another thing. My feminine personality was an issue back then. Yes, I was actually accused of something I am not even aware. I am accuse because of what I am, not of who I am. They think first of the exterior persona, not the pained and dying me inside that silent shell. Could you blame me if I was brought up that way? Is it a curse for me to grow up like this? Is this my choice? Do you think I was able to choose who my family would be? Of course not. That's absurd.

And to those who are still pissed of because of the mere 'me' stepping in their lives, I saw "Fuck You" to you. Who do you think you are? Do you have the right to be pissed off because I just happen to be in the same place as you? It's coincidental. I do not control fate, and neither do you. Oh, have I told you "Fuck you"? No? Then here it is. "Fuck you!"

I bet you know who I am referring to. If you don't, then that's a pity, because I don't intend on revealing those people who made my life a living hell that it is today. You can't blame a kid who went through hell in your own freaking hands. What have I done to you? I never fought back because I know you'll cry and take this to the almighty. What a big coward you are. I'm not a coward at least I kept silent whenever you bitch around yourselves. But now, since nothing holds me back, I'll create an entry just for you bitches out there who made my life a living hell. It's payback time. I know it's not enough... but be prepared to face evil in its best, because I'm not holding back all my power into doing what I am capable of, and I'll make sure that you'll suffer the same fate as mine, as you destroyed my life back then.

Now I think you guys are wondering why I entitled this entry as "The Unread and Unreplied Entry". It is because it is, literally, unread. Well, no one bothers to read, let alone reply. It's a big shame that I kept on improving myself yet no one notices my change. Oh well, I can't blame them for not seeing my change, as I've been always shoved off. Hell, I won't hold back all my coldness. I'll be the cold and distant being that I'll be, and I'll make sure that Karma hits those who are worthy of it. I'll return the favor. Now, on to the list of people who I'm going to give my karma:

The 3 ladies who think highly of themselves. Also known as the 3 stooges. Wherever they may be, I hope my Karma gives you much, much pain.

Players. I do not think you deserve any of my nice treatment, since you, too, have been cold and distant to me. Oh well, we'll get through that, won't we?

Pascal girls, well, I'm not sure if giving pain would be so pleasant, but yes, I was happy that you, at least, held back on me. I know you're pissed off, coz I can tell. Maybe not one day, one week, no one can tell. But whatever might be the reason, I would only be distant, not cold.

Pascal boys, hmm... these past few years was fun. Those whom I didn't expect to be close went closer, and those who I went close lost its touch. Well, I'll be fair. I'll be cold to those who are cold, and distant to those who are distant. I'll still care for Zilin though, since he was always there for me when I need him. Hell, he was there when I was almost dying. I can't beleive he went frantic when I was... almost dying. I was really thankful for that. I treat him as my best friend, since I know I haven't had that much time talking with him back in high school.

And for you-know-who, thanks for the 3 years you've been with me. Even if this first year in college life you have been so cold to me, I'll never have the urge to fight back with all my strength. I can't hurt you, even if you inflicted so much pain on me. I flinched, I cried, I even tried killing myself to ease the pain. Ask Zilin. Go ask him what I've been doing. You won't beleive him. My friends refer to you as 'the arrogant and antisocial being' just from your aura. Even I find that funny. Well, at least you know how to keep a word. My friends symphatize me for the care I'm giving you, and they say you don't deserve it. I think otherwise. I have always cared, even if you tried your best to destroy my life. Continue to cut me, I'll only tend my wounds. Try stabbing me. It'll make me happy. Yeah, happy that I died in your own hands, the one who hated me so much, the one who gave me the greatest pain, the one whom I cared so much. I'll be waiting for that day, the day you'll kill me, if it'll go to that. I won't haunt you or resent you. I won't even be mad. I'll thank you even, and smile at you happily. At least you ended the pain you are continuously giving me for three fucking years. Good luck. It's in your actions that will decide if I would be: a) cold, b) distant, c) cold and distant, d) cold, distant and sadistic. Take care.

As for the rest, I don't care anymore... Let's just say I'll be distant. Let my Karma reach you with flying colors... Shades of Red, that is.

 

Here's me, signing out. Good night.

Love...

Good morning.

NOthing much had happened. Just my love for Daisuke Niwa and Dark grew more and more... strong. It's not unbeleiveable since I've been dreaming of those [it's accidental] two guys for the past 1 or 1 and a half months. Could you blame me if they are so sweet in my dreams? Of course not. It's my dreams...

Last night I started writting the story "Requiem" which is about a boy who lost his father, and found comfort from the most unexpected person, the girl in the church. Now this girl has so many mysteries, which captivated the boy to find out who she really is... and he did gasped after finding it out. IS it a happy ending, or a tragedy like his father's epic? You have to kneel down before me to find out.

"There's a special level of comfort between two matching soulds. An unbreakable bond of constant support and closeness. It's when a warm embrace feels so right. Or when two hands fit so snugly. It's a feeling that's hard to define but easy to recognize. And when you find that comfort you just know, you'll never let go... Everybody in this world is scared and sometimes, it takes two scared person to do one brave thing: to fal in love."

It's a good thing to fall in love, and it's not a shameful thing to do. Everyone says that falling in love is for a man to a woman, and vice versa. I beleive not. I have no bias in this kind of thing, but I beleive that love, true love, has no boundaries. As Zeo put it in his terms:

“Love defies all laws and reason…it defies all facts…whether it’s right or wrong…it makes people bring forth and end life, and it can send the sanest of people crazy with it. It defies every science and feeling. It makes you feel like you can do anything, like you can touch the skies and defy gravity itself.” Very well said, Zeo.

Well, he's saying that it's love is not before the conception of life, rather, it is a separate world, separate from the part where a baby forms. Love is different. Love is between two person, not bearing the outcome. The outcome, my friends, is the responsibility. So rather have love between two people, and after marriage it becomes responisbility and family. So should it be limited to the opposite gender? I don't know. He said it.

Whatever the reason may be, I would like to say that love is ambiguous, and we all know it. Therefore, it is also logical to have no laws set upon it. Yes, it may sound sick, but what do you think you would feel if you were in their shoes? For example, if a man watches two girls making out, they drool. Well, not all, but most. When a girl watches two men make out, they also drool. SOme think it's cute. But, let's reverse the audience for the two scenes... what if the boy watches two men make out? Would it still be 'fun'? same with the girl. Would it still be fun? The answer is no. People are afraid to show what they really are. Don't be afraid. Are you afraid that the society will turn against you? Damn them if they don't accept their own members. Damn them to hell if they have formed the 'society' but lost its meaning after you have formed the 'forbidden love'. But, why is it forbidden? IS it because the society said so? We shouldn't follow the flow of the majority. What if they say that air is bad for your health? Would you beleive so? Because it is the majority? No.

As the poem, invictus, put it in terms, We are the masters of out own fate, and the captain of our own soul. And the mere talk of the society doesn't mean a damn thing. Just some assholes pick on you for loving what they don't want, who the hell are they to dictate you who to love? There is nothing wrong with loving who you want to love. There is nothing fucking wrong about loving someone you want to love. There is absolutely fucking asshole wrong with those people who think they are so great that they tell you that they don't like you because you love someone who you mustn't love. Who the fuck are they? Society kills himself with its own hands.

As for those who are reading this, forgive me for my rant. I tried my best to be fair, for the mere judgement on those poor lovers are far too enough. They do not deserve the cold treatment. ONly those who are perverted enough to show their malice on public are worthy of those ridicule. Other than that, mere affections must not be a basis for those ridicules. Everybody deserves to be loved, and if you are in their shoes, they would do the same to you. KArma is a very strong force. Beleive me, coz I've been using it for a long time. Just a piece of advice. Start to appreciate lovers. Why don't we just get along? There's no really harm into it, right?

And for today, I will stop at this point, as to stop any more arguments from building up. Good day, everyone.

Letter of Pain

Good evening.

I really, really hate this evening. Whatever the reson is, it infuriates me. Am I to blame for every single mistake the world is making? Do I really need to suffer? Whatever. Should I kill them now? Yes, let's go kill them.

I'm blamed for everythng lost. The calculator, the earings. every single damned hell there is. And it's not my fault.

I placed my earings on the green box I've been keeping for a long time. I placed it INSIDE my bag. 'Inside' being the keyword. And so, we travelled home. And I rapidly searched my bag for it. The green box's open and the contents are scattered inside the bag. So I looked for everything. And never found it. Oh, we were not commuting home. SO, it's totally impossible for it to be stolen. And so, no one beleives me that I didn't lost it.

Now I'm being blamed for it. It was as lod as me. Now, they really love it more than me. They blame me... saying the damned line: "Dissapointed... Now i know why we shouldn't trust you. You lost that precious earing. Now what are we going to do?" Now they both hate me. 'Both' being the parents. Now I hate my family more than ever. They hate me already. So, why keep the love?

Let's try to be calm and think of the situation. They hate me, I hate them, so there's no love. So, there's no point in staying, right? So let's go global now. My family hates me, My so-called friends hate me, my love interest hates me, and the rest of the people I met hate me. So, the whole wide world hates me. The most logical thing to do is to kill them all, but the rational thing to do is to shove them off. Both being the not-so-lucky choices. That leaves me with the almighty decision of the 'final hour', or the 'last farewell'. It's 'suicide' in layman's terms. So, please let me die right now. I want to die so that I wouldn't be hurt now.

Seriously, it's my wish. If it's my birthday today, then it's my birthday wish. I couldn't care less. I have no more reason to live. Everything's already done. All I have to do is to kill myself and everything... every pain will continue in hell.

There will be regrets, yes, it's always there. But, I couldn't care less. I want no more pain. I hate everyone more than enough. Now I have reason to go all out sadistic and bit-chy. Hurt turns to hate, hate to hatred, hatred to revenge. I don't care. Just as long as I could feel better. I don't give a damn if it's selfish. Why? Should i be deprived of this little wish of mine? Oh, ok. Deprive me of my privelages, my rights, and my freedom. IT's not important anymore. I don't care if I'm damned angsty or the 'you are so down on yourself' f**k off. Don't go 'calm down' or 'don't be like that' and the likes, or I might as well add you to my killing spree. No one loves me anymore. Sad part is, I loved them... in past tense... since I now know no one can return my love.

In this cold world, you can only feel hatred and pain. No love. There is no love for someone like me. I am destined to live my life as empty as a shell and as horrible as hell. I am destined to pain. Pain is my soul, and anguish is my deathbed. Hatred is my death and vengeance is my rebirth.

Goodbye to all... those who gave me pain... Let those pain you inflicted upon me go back to you infinity fold.

Weirdness

Good morning.

It's a little bit late, and I apologize for my laziness. I was crying last night because of my last entry, therefore making me wake up late. Anyway, what had happened yesterday was a bit odd... but familiar.

This is before the time I cried. Long before that.

Well, I was at the hospital. Then this doctor asked me, "Is he a girl? He sure is very pretty." Oh wow, now I look like some pretty girl? Wait... he said that I'm a 'he'? Oh god... I didn't answer that. Why? Because the canteen, the other doctor, the receptionist, and the body guard also asked the same question. Damn.

Later, we went to SM Sta. Rosa... well, right after that check up to gather some... resources. We went to the instrument shop, and gladly there was a keyboard there. I was expecting a grand piano, but it'll suit me just fine. And then I sat there and played. Oh, I can see a lot of people looking at me, awed by my display. Hehe. Go Euphorium! Go Byakuya! Go Eternity! hahaha. It's just so fun to look at. Then the owner went to talk to me and asked, "Have you had any piano lessons? Coz your movements sure are way awesome." Oh, that's so flattering. Kinda made me remind the time I went to MOA.

My bro was playing with the guitars, and I was there at the piano. Then there came this american guy who went to my dad and said "Oh, your son's very talented... Also your daughter." Haha! That gave me a really good laugh. He thinks we're good? Oh my goodness. Anyway, it's very flattering.

And, I had this sudden odd feeling that my "Campus Love Story" err... story is becoming more and more sensual. I don't really care, but for the minor readers, it should be a problem. Anyway, It's for the humor of it.

Till later. I'll keep you posted.

Midnight crying

Good morning.

Last night was terrible. Other than that crying for almost an hour, something very tragic happened. Let's begin this with a customary introduction.

I was upstairs, in my room. I was using my laptop and reading another story just so that I could go to sleep. Suddenly, out of nowhere, there was around 6 loud bangs. At first I thought it was fireworks not until someone cried desperately for help. I rapidly went outside to see, and to my horror was a man who was shot dead. He was shot by gangsters passing by. There were three of them, and rode the motorcycle. They are not the main concern, however. Everyone in the whole place went out to help. Imagine... it was around 11 PM, almost near 12. How nice people become when there's trouble.

The sad part is, that it is his birthday today. Sad? Yes... It was sad because just this morning he died. I feel sorry for the guy and the family left behind. Fortunately for the three suspects, I didn't saw their face, or know a damn thing about them, so I couldn't lay any finger on them. I could kill them of course, without being tracked down. Of course, why would I bother myself? Revenge? That's no reason. I wasn't really friends with the said person, so why commit vengeance?

All that I found out [something to ponder about] is that man is a social being, symphatetic and trustworthy. Everyone would and should open their doorsteps the moment you needed them most. I offered a lot of my help and never asked something as valuable in return. I asked favors, but not as near as those compared with the favors I did. Anyway, I wasn't really expecting much. I love helping others through problems. I am a guide, afterall.

To the others who are confused, please don't be. I'm not really a lucid type of kid, because the years made me stronger and wiser. I have outgrown my age to the limit that I was considered to be 32 [woah]. I have outgrown my wisdom to the limit of me being an oracle. Well, not a full time oracle, but rather, a surprise one. Sadly, I wasn't aware of the events... or something IS blocking me from knowing this event... Heat was always a problem for me.

KNowing that guilt has been dropped down from my shoulders, I should stop crying... Why can't these tears stop flowing? Please stop... Please stop for my sake... Thank you, everyone...

Thank you, my diary, for walking with me through this journey. I really appreciate it.

An Almost Pleasant Evening to everyone

Let us start this mournful evening with a little poem, courtesy of yours trully.

Unrequitted

As I go on this lone journey
I can't help but look so sad
Not because of what I left behind
But because of what I am to face

Should I move my feet forward
And hope for a bright tomorrow
Despite the null possibility
of it being a happy ending

Should I shed my tears away
While I move farther down the road
Why leave a trail of painful tears
When there is none whom will follow?

Should I sit and rest along the way
Am I worthy enough for that?
If not then it'll be fine
Because pain and torment became my strength

Should I grow weak through the journey
At least on the way I have learned
That these feelings I hold for someone
Would never be returned... for it is unrequitted...

------------------------

Sorry, I just feel depressed... Seriously. I'm crying for  a freaking 4 hours... Who can forget someone who's on tv every freaking 5 minutes and your classmate [inevitably] and has all his signs everywhere near you? He's being arrogant... insensitive... inconsiderate... antisocial... jackass... pain in the neck... bastard... piece of shit. I can't bear it anymore! I love the guy, ok! I can't hold the tears anymore. I want to die! I want to die so bad so that I couldn't think of that guy anymore! If I wanted to feel myself better, why use drugs? I go to this site, fake myself into being the bullshit bitch that I am, and showing my freaking idiotic self into every piece of walking human beings sitting their asses in front of the computer. I wanted to change myself, even for some time, so I go to this site... sadly nothing matters anymore...

Yes, nothing matters anymore... I just visit anyway... It's not like I'm that important... I'm only in the background. If you could please be so kind to let these tears flow from my red and soar eyes so that I could die from blood loss. It's not like I'll be living a long life anyway...

I want to cry all these tears so that pain would go away, but I learned that I couldn't. After pouring every single drop of my tears into this pillow the pain will still be there. It's a fact, that is unbreakable by time. Even if I tried to forget, I'm pushing myself into beleiveing a promise of a better life. No. That is too much to ask for someone as miserable as me. Not everyone deserves a chance for a bright future, yes, another fact. It seems to me that I am also a black beast, denied of my tomorrow. But who was to blame?

Nobody... I could only blame no one but myself. I blame myself for beleiving a fantasy of having a good life with someone I love. No. The truth, even if it's as bitter as it should be, is that I am destined, bound, and forced to live my life in total darkness, in emptiness, and in solitude. Let this be my last heartache, even if after this I might die or come to the final decision. The final decision, being the one with the greater weight. I have to live through this road on my own - no friends, no family, no one... not even love.

Curse the Mood Swings!

Good evening...

After the meeting earlier [well, compared to the time of this post], I felt bad. I felt terribly guilty of what I did back at the meeting... It was inexcusable for me to go ballistic for an unknown cause. Well, pardon me for being so self-pitious [if that's a word, were I'm sure it is]. Curse these mood swings...

That left me crying for almost an hour now... nothing but guilt and a heavy feeling of lost was there... I don't know why, but I was affected, deeply, by the words we talked about there. I would take it into confidentiality from our meeting. Anyway, I know I shouldn't fret about that, but It affected me.. deeply. Like I said, that left me crying for an hour now.

And there is oni-chan... I wanted to say sorry to him... but I don't think he forgave me... Oh, I wasn't really expecting him to forgive me after what I've done... I was going ahead of my age. I feel so pityful. So weak. SO fragile.... so unlike myself... the last thing I really need right now was oni-chan's anger... I can't bear that...

I was so damned stupid to think that everything's ok. It's just crap. CRAP. I was so hard on evryone. Pressing them to think that I was a coldhearted homicide sadist who doesn't know how to love. Well, please tell me to slap myself. Maybe it was my subconsciousness, but I was damned aware. God... I couldn't hurt you... even if I could, but I wouldn't. Let's just say that it is not my guilt that supressess me, but my heart and my sould does.

Guilt. It is something you should learn to understand. It is this unexplainable feeling that renders a monster unto his knees. It is also this conscience that keeps the path clear of blood and stains. Guilt stops us from going deeper into the darkness.

I shouldn't have done those... now more will hate me, fear me. Great... Just great. *sarcasm

Dead by the Heat

Another Good Morning to my diary.

It wasn't a very much pleasant morning, because I was rather forced to wake early due to the embracing heat of the morning. Why can't the day be very cold, comfortably cold of course?  Why should the earth continue to heat up every year?  Albeit the cold season would DEFINITELY be colder and the next summer would DEFINITELY be hotter.

As for my morning dreams... I hadn't had any yet, but I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for this. Let's have 1 word: "Tired.". Let's try to add another word: "heat." Does it make sense? No? Then let's put the whole 22-word account: I was dead tired because of the heat and I could barely keep up with everyone since I'm super sensitive to heat. Now, ain't that better?

Things are pretty much lighter than it used to. I finally managed to post 'phase 8' after a long, long time. It's not my fault if I was so damn lazy about it. Anyway, for someone, I decided to continue this. Anyway, I'm continuing this and hopefully I have a pretty good  review about it. See how nice life is, right?

Now let's introduce you to some of my friends in my dreams, well they are... umm... my other selves as I got in touch with them last night.

Nagi's not actually a very nice person, neither is Rain really, but they’re my friends, no matter how odd they are. By odd, I mean Nagi is one of those people who can never make up his mind about anything, then complains about making the wrong decision when everybody tells him it’s the wrong one… He also displays the worst mood swings imaginable. One minute he’s fine, he’s happy, he’s laughing, the next minute he’ll throw things at you and shout about how much he hates you – Really nice guy. And Rain… I don’t think Rain has any emotion. See, if you thought I was a cold hearted bastard, you should meet Rain. He never smiles, I have never seen Rainsmile, not once. I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen him disruptive and I’ve seen him bored. That’s about it. He’s obviously a real positive guy.

Yup, I've been weird lately... hell I don't care. It's what I am, a weird and mysterious being. Anyway, I have nothing more to say at the moment, just that If you want to accomplish something, you have to have determination.

Weird

Good Afternoon.

Well, I haven't made an entry earlier today, since I was so caught up in the moment. I had to read. Gladly, the books are down to around 50. Looks like the books wouldn't last until the end of summer... Sigh...

It's strange that I feel so hot after a cold bath. Trust me when I say it's cold, because my definition of cold is 'rock-hard ice from antartica'. It's like I have no sense of coldness. Trust me. When I say it's hot, don't beleive me, because I'm sensitive to heat... well, it's not an issue.

However, it came to me the words: "What should I write?". I've been slacking off from my seriousness of what a diary should be. A Diary is not a treasure chest of your gossips, it is the collection of your innermost self, in a way it is you.

A plain notebook is just a notebook until you decide to write something in it. It can be a diary, a novel, a manuscript, a note book, anything the writer desires. Of course, as the pen touches the paper, the so called 'notebook' is given a soul, a part of the writer's soul. Then, as the pages go by this 'soul' develops and the writer pours his/her own heart into what he/she is writting.

I don't know about you, but I pour my heart whenever I write. I write everything with passion. Trust me, because my handwritting is as awesome as a computer. I love writting, specially when others learn from it. Whatever the point is now, it's useless, as to no one reads it.

[b]Well, at least be so kind to leave a comment. I wouldn't waste my time placing my diary here on public, would I?[/b]

So much for the rant. Oh well, no one is concerned. So I have no topic for the night... so, let's start with something so casual... How are you feeling?

I feel like s**t. Why? I feel like the whole world's ignoring me. LET'S SEE ABOUT THAT WHEN WE MEET EYE TO EYE! LET'S SEE IF YOU COULD IGNORE ME LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE! Anyway... does that answer your question?

Next question... Any love interest at the moment? YES! But of course, just like the past ones, it cannot be attained. Well, just like what I stated on my first entry, it's the past. What is done is done. Whatever. I could live my life alone... all I ever wanted was to be loved anyway. If I acn't have it, then so be it.

Next question... So would you have the guts to show yourself in public? DAMN RIGHT. Of course I have the guts to reveal myself in the public, as long as not online. I'LL SERIOUSLY CURSE THOSE WHO WILL GRAB A PICTURE OF ME.

Anyway, till later... And I decided not to continue my escapades with Daisuke and Dark here since I was hinted that it's becoming green. Hell, I don't care, but... I think I didn't had much nosebleed...

Anyway, here's Sai Hikawa-Zefiric, signing off.

My Crimson Angel [continued]

Good afternoon

So, let's continue this little story of mine, shall we?

A little backtrack... So I had to go back and save Dark. He was about to enter the 10 meter radius, until I stopped him. By what you say? By my signature dagger. I had to stop him, or Dark here would be sucked into eternal torment and pain. Of course, Daisuke would be included, and I can't let the redhead be trapped there.

I told him what would happen, and he gasped. At least now he knows. And at least the Ice demon [KRad] didn't came. Now it's just the two of us, and the painting. I told him to wait for an hour before we could seal the damned painting together. He didn't pout, oh he's so cute when he pouts. Anyway, after 1 hour, we sealed it using the following words: [i]"Vom Osten und der Westen und das helle und die Dunkelheit verwendet sie ist Energie, das Übel von innen zu versiegeln. Lassen Sie den Fluch dieses Kunstprodukts angehoben werden! Begone!"[/i] Oh, by the way, it's german, except for the 'BEgone' part. And so, having our duties done, Dark had to leave, until I collapsed, of course.

The moment I regained my consciousness, I was in Daisuke's room. Hm, he has a pretty nice and spacey room. I tried to sit up, but something was holding me. I looked up and saw Dark holding me. He was fast asleep. Oh well, tomorrow is saturday and we have nothing to do at the moment, so what the heck. I'll sleep by his side.

He was comfortably warm... very nice... I thought maybe, we could do this often. But, knowing Dark, he would probably go on some pretty girl. But... then he changed to Daisuke... I had to let my tamer see this. So I went back to my original self, and spent the rest of the night looking at his innocent face until I fell asleep.

The next morning, he woke me up, smilling. Well, to the least of my worries, we were alone in the apartment. Oh yeah, I forgot... it was the end of schoolyear... I had to prepare something for the next semester, and then he had asked. "Since the two of us are... helping each other... umm... could we... umm... stay at the same apartment?" He's cute when he's shy like that. He still retains his cuteness even if he's manly right now. Being the nice and naive person that I am, I agreed. We then fixed up our things and well, rested the entire day.

I thought, tomorrow was Daisuke's birthday, so I had to buy him a gift. I thought maybe he would like to have some new canvas and some new painting stuff. Well, I also bought him a cake. I bought everything needed for tomorrow and hid it perfectly.

The next day, I woke him up and pulled him to the kitchen. I showed him the cake and kissed him in the cheeks while I greeted him a happy birthday. He was shocked, but he smiled. He blew the candles and we ate happily. After that, I told him that I would take a bath. I don't know if he heard me, but I entered anyway.

After undressing myself, he entered. Looking at him, he was so red. He's really adorable. Maybe I should jump on him and we could go on with it. But, being the kind kid I am, I let it pass. He was apologizing like crazy, until I pulled him and told him that we could go on bath together. Being so embarrased, he changed into Dark, and I changed into my angel form. Being the horny bastard that he is, we took the bath together, of course, nothing happened between us... that is, if you don't count the hot and passionate kiss we shared, and the [i]'please don't touch me there, Dark-san'[/i].

Yes, pretty much clean... That's Dark, the horny angel and the most attractive person there is. Whatever, I don't care.

Then I had to spend the entire day with Daisuke, since it's his birthday. I took him to the restaurant and bought food. I heard the girls at the table quite far from us talking and giggling about us... we looked like a cute couple. I had no qualms about it, but Daisuke was as red as his hair. Haha, you should imagine him looking so embarassed! I feel sorry for him, but the fact that the girls were taking pictures of us were pretty annoying... So we went outside and spent the day somewhere else. The art museum, the park... everywhere.

In the end, he was happy, and I"m tired. Also, it was freezing cold, so we had to embrace each other to get ourselves warm. Hmm... he smells good. He feels so soft, and warm... and gentle... and... zzzzzz....

Class begun a week after his birthday. Well, there's our old life...

Till then, I will write something more useful. Also, a little thing to remember and learn for today is that you must not be afraid to show appreciation to someone. They would definitely appreciate it, even if they do not show it. Being thoughtful is a gift. Be nice. Be thoughtful.

Be like me, when I gave Daisuke a gift [and a pretty nice view of my naked body] even though he didn't told me when his birthday was. How did I figured it out? Well, there is this bio about him... well it doesn't concern you at the moment, but the thing that concerns you is the lesson.

Here's me, signing off. Good afternoon.

My Crimson Angel

Good morning.

I have made it a habit to greet this diary a good morning, even if the morning is not good. Anyway, I had another weird dream... It constitute a certain fictional character by the name of "Daisuke Niwa".

If you don't know who this is, then you can use your local Wikipedia about it. In case you haven't figured it out, I'll be nice and say where this is from. He's from the anime "DNAngel." He's the main protagonist, the "cute little redhead" as many describe him. Well, i think he's not that handsome, but he's definitely cute to the max. More words could be: cuddly, childish, innocent, fragile, girly.

Well, he's not girly despite his looks. He's rather clumsy, but he's a tech expert. He's incapable of true sin... as some put it in a way. Anyway, it's not that I'm going to fill this entry of mine all about how he looks and acts, right?

The point is that I've been having dreams about this guy. It's bad to shaer something so personal, but hey, at the least of my worries, no one will fuss about this. Anyway, I was his classmate, the mute one. It was then until he heard me singing that he decided to talk to me. Being so innocent and [b]adorable[/b] that he is, I decided to go with him or a while. Since then we became friends.

Well, to the most of the time. He was pretty uptight after a few months of being with him. I don't really know why. Until that night. Well, at the museum, Dark was stealing this necklace: "Beholder of Truth", which is basically not a necklace because of the large crystal-thing in the center. That's not the thing that worries me. It's the power that it holds. Basically, you can't touch it. Touch it, and your soul leaves your body. That's the problem. Dark doesn't know about this, so I had to intervened.

When he was about to touch the necklace, I threw a dagger at where he stood, luckily he dodged. I appeared before him and prevented him from touching the said cursed artifact. He didn't listen, so I decided to show him a little play. I threw a dagger at the necklace, and it disintegrated on impact. He was dumbfounded. Well, at least he believes me now. Then it's the most of our worries, Krad came. I asked him to cover me while I seal the necklace, since I told him he can deal Krad better. He nodded and did the job.

He was done as soon as I'm done sealing the 'thing'. He looked at me and asked me if it's fine now. I told him no, because I'm the only one capable of holding it at the moment, and I don't want to risk his safety. Being the cocky thief that he is, he replied, "so you wouldn't let a handsome like me die from this beautiful earth?" I simply sighed, and flew away. He followed. "Don't worry, I'm bringing this to the Niwa Household." I told him. He stopped and I looked at him, "what's wrong? Thought I didn't knew? There are some things you don't know about me." Being the simple ignorant and cocky angel that he is, he replied, "We can, of course, remedy that, beauty?" I shruged and we flew back to the Niwa household.

I simply left it at the table, left a note, and went to the garden. Dark stopped me, "Don't you want to tell me who you are?" He asked, looking serious. I smiled, "I'm your guardian angel." And I left.

The next day, I looked for Niwa. I took him to the rooftops [at least it has my privacy] and handed him a letter. I guess that blows my cover. As if I care, I do know his secrets, until the Dark-Daisuke secret that is. Anyway I left him there for a while, and I know Dark's brave enough not to heed my warning about the next painting... It's the "Darkest Hour", and as the name implies, it's as evil as hell. It suckes the nearest lifeform in the struck of midnight... well, on a 10 meter radius...

I had to go back... and save this angel of mine.

That's enough for the moment... I don't want to spoil the entire page of this diary of mine full of a night of adventure... till later.

Hate the Neighborhood

Good Evening.

I think it's quite early for me to write this, but I suddenly felt the urge to write an entry at this point in time. I know it's not customary to write two entries per day, but it's my diary and I have my rights and privilages, right?

Anyway, nothing much had happened today, except for the fact that I waged war against my mother not allowing me to go outside the house, i mean, it's totally absurd to keep me inside the house when my little brother can go as free as the wind. He even looks a lot less like a brother to me, due to the darkened skin tone. We are like vanilla and creamed coffee, him being the coffee.

Enough with my brother, he's not the point at the moment. The point is that my mother didn't allow me to go out. Indirectly, of course. I always wanted to go out of this hellhole. My neighbors are as bad as delinquents. Maybe pederasts are way better, at the least. At least pederasts don't care if you pass by, unlike those neighbors of mine that do nothing but stare at the awesome beauty walking in front of them, yours trully. As quoted from my Kai Hiwatari, "They are filthy and unworthy of my presense". God, I remembered those lines from a story I read.

About the readings... There's still 74 more books to finish... I hope it can last until the end of summer, coz I'm bored to my wits. I do not know why the heat disturbs me so much, but I don't care. It's upright disturbing and I can't help but be angry at all times.

Well, I've been having dreams about... well... rape. Imagine yourself having dreams of you being raped... for like a week or three now. Isn't it scary? Actually, it wasn't scary, or so I thought it would. It wasn't brutal, but the fact that you are raped with love is well, fun.

Anyway, I'm having this visions of me killing everybody. Well, for once that would make my life easier because I have no more to kill, but the fact that I would be alone hurts. Don't you ever feel like you're rudely ignored? Well, I have been rudely ignored for so long. It's one of the things that infuriates me to the max. Oh, you have no idea how scary I could be when I'm angry. I'll give you a sneak peak... I impaled a ballpen on my classmate's leg when I was in grade 1. Scary, no?

Good thing this diary keeps me busy... At least it listens... though it does not give me the advice I need for the day. Well, life's unfair sometimes.

Till then... I'll learn something on the way, and I do hope someone would stop by and listen to what I have to teach.

My Diary

Good morning.

I have accustomed myself in greeting this diary of mine every time I write. Anyway, it's a bit nice to be greeted every time you pass, but this time was different. Every time I wake up, there would be a lot of messages greeting me a good morning, and every time I go to sleep there would always be those who would greet me a good night sleep.

It's like it's a whole new world, with the loss of friends who you learned to trust after just a year.

But then I learned that not all of these friends can be true to you. It's a sad and bitter truth, but it's better to face truth, cold or not, earlier than latter. At least it can be remedied, right? No. I don't think a problem like that can be solved as much as math problems do.

Anyway, I woke up early to start reading. I have 76 more books to read... or stories as people call them. Most of them are romance stories, the rest are calculus books, which I would be using once I'm back in school. I have to keep my record, you know.

I just realized something. NO matter how much you try, you can't change yourself in an instant. The more you try your best to erase something, the more it will remain. Even if you erase the writtings on the paper, it'll still leave a sign. But, despite this, we can still move on knowing that most of it are left behind.

What am I refering to? Is it not obvious? Well, of course it's not obvious. The only thing I am capable at the moment is writting, since I poured my heart and soul into it. I don't know about others, but it feels good to write. At least I could cry freely whenever I write. I feel free of the world's cage. I feel happy lifting the burden of emotions on my heart. I feel light knowing that I could share this emotion of mine to anonymous. Although I do expect no one would pay attention, so I'm bound to write in this diary, at least this diary learns to listen.

At least this diary has the guts to read everything I write.

Opening the Diary

Hello.

 

I am unsure as to whether that was a suitable introduction but I hear it is customary to begin a diary narrative with a colloquial. Why, I shall never understand. Perhaps it is to create a sense of familiarity? If so, then the familiarity is false. It is impossible to feel familiarity with a blank book.

 

Book in general, while part of the everyday, are not ‘familiar’ things. They are inanimate objects. Some would say it is the words written in each book which have the power to move people. This is not true. Just as in brilliant works of art, the emotion is not conveyed through the paint or ink, but through the raw passion of the artist. Books are inanimate objects. They only live when the writer gives them soul.

 

I feel like I’m rambling. I wouldn’t really know, seeing as I have little to ramble about. What does a person write in a diary? Secrets? Stories? To record the mundaneness of daily life? To detail intimate emotions? Why? For what audience, and what purpose?

 

I hear some people write because they are lonely and see an appeal in talking to an invisible friend. Some people relieve stress by ‘unloading’, removing the burden of the day’s worries and imprisoning them on paper.

 

But when it comes down it, no matter what it is you write, you’re still just talking to yourself.

 

Unfortunately I know that feeling all too well in the literal sense. Not a day goes by without Krad hissing quiet threats in the back of my mind, or tainting my dreams with nightmarish images. We both know I grow tired from his torment. Tired, and weak.

 

Tired even now, and too weak to move from the bed. Is that why I am writing this? As something to entertain my bored mind? Perhaps.

 

I am still too weak to leave the house. It was only yesterday I picked up this forlorn book for the first time and, on a whim, began to write. I suppose at the time I hadn’t really expected myself to be continuing, but seeing as there is little else I can do, keeping a diary should be an interesting experiment.

 

So for this experiment to succeed, what do I write? Do I note every task of the day? Give all my personal details and history? Explain myself? No, that would be pointless, for who else will read this but myself?

 

But then again, I thought that I wouldn't lose anything by writting. And, for the fact that this would at least make my mind as stable as possible, far from most of my worries at the moment. Sadly, what I have wrote these past few years are all tragedies...

 

But the past is past. It is done, and can never be replaced. No matter how much I want to change it, it'll never change. It's this permanent block in your head that you desperately want to relocate, either throw away or move it somewhere else.

 

But what pains me so is the fact that I must move on. Moving on hurts badly, but I must if I want to survive. I don't know how long can I do this 'moving on' stuff, just as long as I could let myself free... And I hope that one day someone would save me from this cruel paradise of anguish and pain they call life.

Till then, I shall write about what I feel every passing day, to the end of my strength, I shall write them here... It'll all be my deathwish, the last thing I could wish for... was to be known...

...not only by the ones around me... but also him...

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