How can one really say that they're in love? What determines it? Is it when you now know that you are already missing something in your life, and that a person's existence will most probably complete it? When you know that person, the same one you know would complete your life, does that mean you're bound to fall in love with that person? Would you still consider it love if said person left and not return? Would you still claim that you love that person even if that person left you and ridiculed you, but you still miss that person nonetheless? Did you ever feel that you are so angry at that person that you'd wish them dead, tied on some tree with birds eating his mutilated body, yet you'd cry all night about it? For some, they might call it love, others, a simple delusion. I think like the former. When one cannot live without the existence of the other person, I call it love.
It has happened to me before, and I might be unaware of it happening now. BUt, nonetheless, it happened. I lost a person, a friend if you may, during my high school days. That person is still living, mind you, but in here, in my memory, that person no longer exists. He's just another fickle in my memory.
That aside, he, that lost friend, was what would ou call a 'rival' of some sort. We don't really get close to acads, but I still fight with him with answers. It was fun, those days. I admit, though, that I was immature (contrary to some bitches back then's delusion of me being retarded or autistic. Never in my life I've been diagnosed of them. Blame it for my lack of proper childhood), and that I am yet to develop people skills (again, please blame them to my lack of childhood). Nonetheless, it is, if it may, not a good reason to leave me behind.
I didn't even like him back then. I just had a serious lapse of 'I miss you' back when I was a college freshman. I knew back then that I wanted to see him because I've seen my other classmates except him. And a discrete refusal was what I got from him.
A few years later, still I did not erase the fact that I might be just missing the old times. However, it is not simply so, as said in my readings. I am, as bluntly put, 'In Love' with him. Ha! I couldn't imagine myself with a guy, much less than a stuck-up prick.
It's a good time to point out now that I was never gay. Sure, I'm effeminate (something I should blame on my genes), soft (a method I use so that I don't feel rude when speaking or anything related to human interaction), and blunt. Let me clarify that I only once fallen for only 1 male, and never another. That hardly counts for anything, correct?
Wrong.
Let me also clarify that I do not, as bluntly put, give a damn or a shit whether the person I love has boobs or not, or has tacos instead of hotdogs. I just don't give a damn. I mean, for what purpose does one love? I love a person because I want to give them my devotion. Nothing about that says I should love a woman or a man, if not both. I wasn't restricted. Even if the church or any religious person say that it is normal for men to love only women, according to the bible. Let me ask, who wrote the bible? Humans. For how long has the bible been written down? I don't really know, but I can guess it's some millenia ago. I can bet that those people who wrote the bible back then changed the meanings according to their understanding and beliefs. I don't really believe the bible (though I still believe parts of it), and I don't really care about the priests (because they are all condemned by their own beleifs. Hello? God loves all except homos? Where did that come from?) because they (at least some of them) are using religion as an excuse to condemn people because they don't like them.
Take the government for example. They partake in the decision of the government, but the government cannot partake in the decision of the religious sect of the country. How absurd. If I was president I'd give them a piece of my mind, saying that: "I don't give a damn about your corrupt sect. You guys are made up of people who use religion as an excuse to brainwash people thinking that the bible is the basic instruction before leaving earth, and that all those who do not follow are to be condemned to hell. What gives you the right who and who not to condemn to any insane place? You are a mere instrument to relay to the people the word of God, not to play the role of a delusioned dictator. God wants us to be happy, so we do what we can to be happy. To deny us that is a sin, is it not? To not be able to live life to the fullest because of some old school oldies is, in every sense, not good. What I hate the most are close-minded people because they are selfish and inconsiderate of other's opinions. If you cannot accept them, then you aren't fit to be a religous leader"
Well, back to me and my blatant adoration. Two of my blog posts before contains anger in them. It was because of an event that had occured between him and my friend. Since then I never bothered to think about him for a second.
But that's the weird thing. Today, I dreamt of crying because of that. Funny thing is, he was there, kneeling in front of my, talking to me. By gestures, I know he's trying to calm me down while talking. The disturbing part of it is that he hugged me by getting on top of me (I was laid down on my right side)! It wasn't as nearly romantic as I thought it would be, but it did calm me down. At any case, the fact that I was crying in my sleep and the fact that I found out I was also crying in reality was what rendered me to write this blogpost. Really. It was then I found out that after all of that fiasco (the even between him and my friend), I still like him.
Funny that, he doesn't like me back. It's not even close to positive.
If, by some freak force of nature, he is reading this, then I must say thanks, since he did gave his time into reading this rant. And yeah, despite calling my feelings as a simple act of fandom, or in your words me being "patay-na-patay", I still like you. Although, as aforementioned, I would curse you to death, I would never enjoy it and probably pray you to be okay. Funny person I am, really. I just honestly don't get what aspect of you do I find attractive. I'm not attracted to you physically, that's for sure. Even with my female friends saying how attractive you are, I say to them, "Really, now?" because I don't really believe the claim. Not that you're ugly and all, but because I don't give a damn about looks. I once took home a girl as I introduced her to mom, and I know she's not that pretty, but I ended it anyway. She was really bitchy at times... even more than me.
At any case, if you're really reading this, I say my thanks. I'm not praying that you'd like me back, never. I don't try to drown myself in some fantasy. I just hope that one day, there'd be a time when I can now not worry about this anymore, and still be happy.
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