The Hatred Page

Good evening.

Once again, I have made myself accustomed to start my entry with a colloquial. Whatever made me introduce my entry this way, that would never be understood as I intend not to find any answer.

The same old question came up to my mind again - and it's about this diary.

Should I be happy now that I have found a pasttime? Or should I be sad since I alone read this journal of mine. Of course, knowing that this is a diary, it is intended for personal use, that is, unless you share this with someone else.

Someone you want to share it with. Yes, that first sentence in this paragraph really hits me with a big slap. I really want to shout to the world what I feel right now - anger, sorrow, despair, pain, you name it. It is still uncertain that the degree of those emotions are upright equal in terms, but I'm pretty sure that one or two emotions will triumph over the others. Nonetheless, I am unprepared for the outcomes of each.

Let's just pretend that all the pain, despair, anger, and sorrow are gone. Let's be emotionless for a while. Yes, your typical cold and distant me.

I remember the times I had back in high school. I was such a klutz, a big pain in the ass for a lot of people. But, could you blame someone who have never been taught to cope up with people, and have been locked inside his room for so many years without any chance to go out except when it's time to go to school?

Yes, that might be the reason for my cold and odd behavior. I'm not your 'average' human being, as most put it in terms. I have been trained to be what I am now, and have been able to supress joy. Only thing I learned for myself is sadness and my wisdom that I alone acquired for years.

Oh, another thing. My feminine personality was an issue back then. Yes, I was actually accused of something I am not even aware. I am accuse because of what I am, not of who I am. They think first of the exterior persona, not the pained and dying me inside that silent shell. Could you blame me if I was brought up that way? Is it a curse for me to grow up like this? Is this my choice? Do you think I was able to choose who my family would be? Of course not. That's absurd.

And to those who are still pissed of because of the mere 'me' stepping in their lives, I saw "Fuck You" to you. Who do you think you are? Do you have the right to be pissed off because I just happen to be in the same place as you? It's coincidental. I do not control fate, and neither do you. Oh, have I told you "Fuck you"? No? Then here it is. "Fuck you!"

I bet you know who I am referring to. If you don't, then that's a pity, because I don't intend on revealing those people who made my life a living hell that it is today. You can't blame a kid who went through hell in your own freaking hands. What have I done to you? I never fought back because I know you'll cry and take this to the almighty. What a big coward you are. I'm not a coward at least I kept silent whenever you bitch around yourselves. But now, since nothing holds me back, I'll create an entry just for you bitches out there who made my life a living hell. It's payback time. I know it's not enough... but be prepared to face evil in its best, because I'm not holding back all my power into doing what I am capable of, and I'll make sure that you'll suffer the same fate as mine, as you destroyed my life back then.

Now I think you guys are wondering why I entitled this entry as "The Unread and Unreplied Entry". It is because it is, literally, unread. Well, no one bothers to read, let alone reply. It's a big shame that I kept on improving myself yet no one notices my change. Oh well, I can't blame them for not seeing my change, as I've been always shoved off. Hell, I won't hold back all my coldness. I'll be the cold and distant being that I'll be, and I'll make sure that Karma hits those who are worthy of it. I'll return the favor. Now, on to the list of people who I'm going to give my karma:

The 3 ladies who think highly of themselves. Also known as the 3 stooges. Wherever they may be, I hope my Karma gives you much, much pain.

Players. I do not think you deserve any of my nice treatment, since you, too, have been cold and distant to me. Oh well, we'll get through that, won't we?

Pascal girls, well, I'm not sure if giving pain would be so pleasant, but yes, I was happy that you, at least, held back on me. I know you're pissed off, coz I can tell. Maybe not one day, one week, no one can tell. But whatever might be the reason, I would only be distant, not cold.

Pascal boys, hmm... these past few years was fun. Those whom I didn't expect to be close went closer, and those who I went close lost its touch. Well, I'll be fair. I'll be cold to those who are cold, and distant to those who are distant. I'll still care for Zilin though, since he was always there for me when I need him. Hell, he was there when I was almost dying. I can't beleive he went frantic when I was... almost dying. I was really thankful for that. I treat him as my best friend, since I know I haven't had that much time talking with him back in high school.

And for you-know-who, thanks for the 3 years you've been with me. Even if this first year in college life you have been so cold to me, I'll never have the urge to fight back with all my strength. I can't hurt you, even if you inflicted so much pain on me. I flinched, I cried, I even tried killing myself to ease the pain. Ask Zilin. Go ask him what I've been doing. You won't beleive him. My friends refer to you as 'the arrogant and antisocial being' just from your aura. Even I find that funny. Well, at least you know how to keep a word. My friends symphatize me for the care I'm giving you, and they say you don't deserve it. I think otherwise. I have always cared, even if you tried your best to destroy my life. Continue to cut me, I'll only tend my wounds. Try stabbing me. It'll make me happy. Yeah, happy that I died in your own hands, the one who hated me so much, the one who gave me the greatest pain, the one whom I cared so much. I'll be waiting for that day, the day you'll kill me, if it'll go to that. I won't haunt you or resent you. I won't even be mad. I'll thank you even, and smile at you happily. At least you ended the pain you are continuously giving me for three fucking years. Good luck. It's in your actions that will decide if I would be: a) cold, b) distant, c) cold and distant, d) cold, distant and sadistic. Take care.

As for the rest, I don't care anymore... Let's just say I'll be distant. Let my Karma reach you with flying colors... Shades of Red, that is.

 

Here's me, signing out. Good night.